DOES your partner cherish their phone more than you? Do they laugh more at Dwayne Johnson memes than your jokes? Here’s how to compete:
Loudly announce every tedious detail of the stuff happening in your life. For example, ‘Just had my THIRD Creme Egg of the day!’ ‘Watching The Responder – how good is it?’ ‘Car needs an MOT. Sigh’. It’s like IRL Facebook.
When you make a meal, hold it up close to their face so they can really admire it while you say inane bullshit like ‘nom, nom, nom’ and ‘foodgasm’.
Repeatedly ask them to sign petitions for everything, especially stuff no petition could ever affect.
Expose your genitals to them when they’re least expecting it.
Add a hashtag after everything you say. ‘What shall we have for dinner? Hashtag cosy meal for two?’
Ask them whether they want to buy a Peloton nine times every day.
Make them a play a game where they have to guess which five-letter word you’re thinking of and they’re only allowed six goes. Then ring their friends up to tell them how pathetically they did.
Yell your political opinions at them every ten minutes, preceded by the words ‘friendly reminder’. If they disagree, call them a fascist wanker and threaten to kill them.
Ask them fun questions like the name of their first pet then use the information to access their bank account and steal all of their money.
On their birthday, offer them a generic greeting that is just a manipulative way of getting them to buy something.
Keep a count of how many steps they are taking and reveal it to them at regular intervals.
Every hour, solemnly announce news headlines in the most panic-inducing way you can.
Every time they achieve anything at all give them a thumbs up.
Keep a photo album constantly by your side and show them random, badly taken pictures from the last eight years whenever they engage with you.
Every time you leave the room announce that you are taking a break from the lounge for a while for the good of your mental health.