How to compete with your lover's hot, sexy iPhone

DOES your partner cherish their phone more than you? Do they laugh more at Dwayne Johnson memes than your jokes? Here’s how to compete:

Loudly announce every tedious detail of the stuff happening in your life. For example, ‘Just had my THIRD Creme Egg of the day!’ ‘Watching The Responder – how good is it?’ ‘Car needs an MOT. Sigh’. It’s like IRL Facebook.

When you make a meal, hold it up close to their face so they can really admire it while you say inane bullshit like ‘nom, nom, nom’ and ‘foodgasm’.

Repeatedly ask them to sign petitions for everything, especially stuff no petition could ever affect.

Expose your genitals to them when they’re least expecting it.

Add a hashtag after everything you say. ‘What shall we have for dinner? Hashtag cosy meal for two?’

Ask them whether they want to buy a Peloton nine times every day.

Make them a play a game where they have to guess which five-letter word you’re thinking of and they’re only allowed six goes. Then ring their friends up to tell them how pathetically they did.

Yell your political opinions at them every ten minutes, preceded by the words ‘friendly reminder’. If they disagree, call them a fascist wanker and threaten to kill them.

Ask them fun questions like the name of their first pet then use the information to access their bank account and steal all of their money.

On their birthday, offer them a generic greeting that is just a manipulative way of getting them to buy something.

Keep a count of how many steps they are taking and reveal it to them at regular intervals.

Every hour, solemnly announce news headlines in the most panic-inducing way you can.

Every time they achieve anything at all give them a thumbs up.

Keep a photo album constantly by your side and show them random, badly taken pictures from the last eight years whenever they engage with you.

Every time you leave the room announce that you are taking a break from the lounge for a while for the good of your mental health.

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Five complaints about kids non-parents believe they could solve easily

PARENTS always have the same boring, easily fixed complaints about their kids. A non-parent explains how to avoid the obvious pitfalls:

They sleep badly

Parents are always banging on about being tired. Honestly, you’d think there was no such thing as industrial ear-defenders. Also, you’re bigger than your children, why not simply carry them back to their bedroom? If they try to escape, it’s nothing a bolt on the outside of the door won’t solve.

It’s a full time job just clearing up the mess

Then ask your tiny child to clear up after himself. If he has the dexterity to open your wardrobe, pull out every pair of pants you own and fling them down the toilet, surely he’s capable of fishing them out, popping them on a 60 degree wash and mopping the floor? It’s all a question of training.

They’re addicted to their devices

That’s because lazy parents put their children in front of screens instead of showing them how to entertain themselves in more wholesome ways. Personally, I would take the time to teach my imaginary children to do things like embrace the boredom and meditate on long car journeys, or play chess against themselves. How hard can it be?

They won’t sit still

The problem here is that parents just aren’t good enough at discipline. If I had kids, I’d simply make them do what I said. I’m not sure of the specifics, but it can’t be that hard. It’s not like children are real people with a will of their own.

They constantly need me 

Do they? Surely this is all in the parent’s head. Your kids are clever enough to get you to buy them half the museum gift shop just by screaming, so they’re easily clever enough to use a sandwich toaster. You can definitely leave them to make their own tea while you pop to the pub. Being overprotective won’t help either you or them in the long term.