How to do a hand transplant

YOU don’t need to be a so-called ‘expert’ to re-attach a hand, according to the Institute for Studies.

As jumped-up doctors act all clever for doing Britain’s ‘first successful hand transplant’, Professor Henry Brubaker explained that the procedure is not hard.

Professor Brubaker said: “People are cooing over these surgeons, but what they do is just a cross between wiring a plug and working on a supermarket meat counter.

“The hard part is getting the hand. Hands are not easy to come by, although they crop up on eBay from time to time.

“If you’re ordering a hand online, making sure that it’s properly wrapped in fresh newspaper. Also if you get a cheap one, check that it isn’t actually a paw.

“If you can’t find a hand on the internet, ask a friend if you can have theirs – everybody basically has a spare one.”

How to do a hand transplant, by Professor Henry Brubaker:

1) Using a sharp object, sever unwanted hand.

2) Tie a bit of string around the stump to reduce mess. Arguably this should be number one, but there’s no right or wrong with these things.

3) Look at the donor hand. In the middle you’ll see some red veiny things – arteries. Line them up with the arteries on your stump. The other bits are nerves, tendons and veins. Dab some glue on the ends, then press them onto your stump.

4) Enjoy your new hand. 

Professor Brubaker said: “I’ve not actually done this myself, but I would.

“Also if you can learn hand transplants and two other basic operations you are technically a qualified surgeon and can earn up to £34 per hour.”

However qualified surgeon Dr Tom Logan said: “Don’t do this. You’ll die.”



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Indonesian women banned from experiencing vibrations

WOMEN in the Indonesian province of Aceh must remain at least three feet from anything that vibrates.

Following a ban on straddling motorcycles, officials realised that even if the women sit ‘side-saddle’ they could still experience the sort of high frequency jiggling outlawed by the Koran.

Local mayor, Suaidi Yahya, said: “It’s probably best if all the women just stay at home and sit in a hard plastic chair.

“Unless of course they have a washing machine, in which case they will have to take their chair into the street.”