Guardian to advertise bullshit public sector jobs in Argentina 

THE Guardian is to cement its commercial ties with the Argentinian government with a weekly supplement devoted to the South American nation’s taxpayer-funded marketing vacancies.

Following Argentina’s successful recapture of the Falklands using a Guardian advert, President Cristina Kirchner now hopes to recruit dozens of Buenos Aires-based customer-facing core message communicators.

She said: “I urgently require 40 marketing executives to convince the smokers of the Malvinas to give up and another 40 to go to international marketing conferences and tell them about our Stub It Out Malvinas campaign.

“We do not discriminate on the basis of age, gender, sexual orientation or whether you used to be in the SS.”


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Poor people to be operated by remote control

POOR people are to be operated remotely like an unmanned drone, the government has announced.

From April all benefit claimants will be fitted with a headset so they can be controlled by a middle class person who is trained to know what is best for everyone.

The headset will be attached with stainless steel screws and a probe will enter the brain via the ear.

Electronic pulses delivered via a Department for Work and Pensions satellite will then be used to control every aspect of the poor person’s lifestyle.

A spokesman said: “You can’t stay fat if your brain is being controlled by someone who went to university.

“Also, you can’t smoke or drink. Or go to the bingo. Or play fruit machines. Or watch daytime television. Or pepper your sentences with the ghastly c-word.

“Or buy things from vans.”

He added: “And it’s great for all those middle class people who think they’re so brilliant there should be at least two of them.”

Trainee controller Martin Bishop said: “I’m worried about what my drone could get up to when I’m asleep. So I’ll need to make sure they sleep when I sleep and then I’ll rig up something that makes sure my dreams become their dreams.

“And then they will be happy.”

Julian Cook, professor of socio-economic wheezes at Roehampton University, said: “Why don’t we just stop farting about and put them all in a big camp?”