How to fix your TV's settings when it appears to be showing Nigel Farage

IS your TV displaying a blustering, pint-swigging prick who has no reason to be on air anymore? Fix it with these tips.

Give the screen a thump

You’ll likely be filled with rage at the sight of Farage’s ghoulish face popping up on the news, so put that anger to good use by slamming your fist down on your TV screen. Don’t hold back either. Imagine your 42-inch flatscreen is his chuckling, bullshit-spouting mug. If the telly breaks, at least you won’t have to look at him anymore.

Adjust the brightness and contrast

Call up the picture settings and adjust the colours, aspect ratio and saturation until Farage is distorted beyond recognition. Then hit the mute button to block out his hectoring tones. If you’re struggling to pull this one off, invite your parents round to fiddle with the controls. They’ve f**ked up the visuals on their own TV beyond repair, so they’ll ruin yours in no time.

F**k around with the satellite dish

Your TV can only show you Farage banging on about how the failure of Brexit is nothing to do with him if it’s picking up a signal. To fix this, point your dish in the wrong direction or leave it dangling from the wall so the screen shows an error message. You’ll miss Sky Sports but it’s preferable to watching the deranged diatribes of this cocky shit.

Change channel

In theory this should be an instant fix. But in theory Farage should have left the country to live abroad by now. Flicking through the channels could land you on GB News, where Farage hosts a primetime show designed to – guess what? – rile up gammons. Imagine if the batteries in your remote ran out at this point, you’d be stuck looking at him for a whole hour. Genghis Khan’s prisoners suffered a gentler fate.

Switch it off

The second your TV screen cuts to Farage, hit the ‘off’ button. It’s the only way to get rid of him that’s 100 per cent effective. Don’t worry, you won’t have to rely on your own thoughts or a book to entertain you. The internet is on hand to keep you amused with a steady slew of cat memes and personality quizzes not involving any sleazy little Brexit apologist gollums.

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Can I still make people homeless if they look at me funny? Your landlord questions answered

NEW legislation threatens to stop landlords running a five-bed in Willesden as if it were North Korea and they Kim Jong-un. Here we answer your landlord queries.

Can I still evict tenants on the basis of a difference of opinion vis-à-vis their faces?

This sacred right, which has been held by landlords since the English Reformation, has been taken away by the Renters (Reform) Bill. It is no longer legally watertight to end a tenancy based on a bulbous nose, protuberant ears or an impertinent smile.

How can I evict them then?

Shamefully, landlords who have enjoyed unchallenged powers of eviction since the Magna Carta are forced to exploit loopholes such as fixed-period tenancies, lying about damage or simply doubling rent. These will be effective but will not feel as good.

Do I have to do repairs now?

On no account commit to repairs. Technically a legal requirement, such laws were never intended to be enforced. Properties are rented ‘as is’ and it is the tenant’s responsibility to assess issues that may develop later, such as flooding, rat infestation or semi-collapse.

Can I still turn down benefits claimants?

Yes. Officially no, but all landlords know you only have to look at them to identify a scrounger. Put your ‘No DSS’ sign away with your father’s ‘No Blacks, Irish or Dogs’ sign and continue to be just as discriminatory as previously while not openly admitting it.

Do I have to let them keep pets?

Ridiculous isn’t it? How can a pet keep a pet? Does a dog have a goldfish? But yes, in theory, the human pets in your property are allowed to replicate their confinement in miniature. In practice simply enter the property at night and dispose of the animal.

Can I still keep the deposit?

Of course you can. The ‘deposit’, as it is archaically termed, is a gift or dowry awarded to a landlord for the privilege of paying his mortgage. Tenants would be deeply offended if it or any portion of it were returned, especially if there were undetected grease-marks in the loft.