Thursday, 25th February 2021

How to parallel park, by a man standing on the pavement shouting instructions

YOU can fit it in that gap easy! Yeah, bags of room. Here, you reverse it in and I’ll stand here shouting judgments disguised as help: 

Step one: Listen to me

Back a bit, mate. Little bit more. Yeah, I’ve parked enough cars and helped out enough, mainly female, drivers to know how the laws of reversing and repositioning work. You’d better heed me or risk mounting the kerb with my full vocal disapproval.

Step two: Look at me

In your mirror. In your mirror. I’m aiding your manoeuvre by making a series of increasingly frantic hand, arm and even leg gestures. If you don’t look at me then no way will you achieve parking excellence, nor see me getting increasingly red in the face and rolling my eyes knowingly at other motorists.

Step three: Thank me

You’ll have to go forward and do that again. And when someone publicly teaches you something you should already know, the correct response is not to slam your car door and call them a ‘tosser’ as you walk away. I’m like a modern day knight of the B-road and while I am not in it for the thanks, I am not not in it for the thanks.

Step four: Respect me

That’ll have to do. Not straight though. A shout-out on social media’s welcome, as is a reverential bow, but I’m happy if you to remember me and have my mocking, disdainful voice in your head every time you try to park. Live in fear of the day you meet me on another pavement in another town. I’ll be there, ready to bellow.