How to set up your account on our foolproof Postmaster Compensation Hub: A guide by Fujitsu

HAVE you been wrongly accused of theft due to clunky Fujitsu technology? Here’s how to claim compensation from our 100 per cent reliable Fujitsu online hub.

Answer a series of security questions and create a memorable password

To help set up your profile, we need to know a little bit about you. Tell us your name, which Post Office branch you worked at and when, plus your mother’s maiden name, your passport number, your entire medical history, and a scan of your retinas and fingerprints. Then all you have to do is choose a secure password. How about: MrBates1SaM0neyGrabbingTwat£2024?

Enter how much you think we owe you

This might be hard to remember because it all happened ages ago, so if in doubt just enter £0.00. If you’re somehow convinced Fujitsu swindled you out of tens of thousands of pounds and your home, enter a ballpark number. Don’t worry if the sum mysteriously changes before your eyes, that’s the system working out the correct figure.

Give us your bank details and authorise a direct debit

So that we can make sure the right money goes to the right account, please enter your account number, sort code and those bizarrely important three numbers on the back of your debit card. Then all you need to do is approve a direct debit to Fujitsu. We might take a few pounds out of your account, but that’s just to make sure we’ve got the right details. Nothing to be concerned about.

Do you have a criminal record? List any quashed convictions

Unfortunately, we are completely unable to process compensation claims if you have a criminal record. Even if you have been cleared of a previous unlawful conviction and ITV has made an on-the-nose drama about it, our system simply refuses pointblank. Sorry. As a major multinational company we have to obey the law when it suits us.

Let us do the rest

That’s it, you’re set up! Now you can sit back, relax, and let the Fujitsu supercomputer deal with your money. Your compensation claim could take up to 12 years to go through the system though, so don’t keep refreshing your account hoping for a result. A watched kettle never boils and all that. In fact it’s probably best if you simply forget about the whole thing, like your Amazon Prime subscription.

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Mum advises son's girlfriend she could do a lot better

THE mother of a 23-year-old is worried that his wonderful new girlfriend is punching well below her weight. 

After being introduced to Lucy Parry, Donna Sheridan was baffled as to what an attractive, intelligent and witty girl could possibly find appealing about her wastrel child Josh.

Donna said: “As soon as Josh left the room, probably to skin up in the garden or dump the dirty laundry he’d brought home near the washer, I took her aside to see if she was right in the head.

“I explained that I have to love the boy as I’m his mother. But she, for some reason, is choosing to be with him of her own volition. Naturally I checked he wasn’t somehow blackmailing her.

“I’m sure Josh likes her in his own pointless way, but she’s young and pretty and really needs to get out there and meet some different guys. In fact we made a list.”

Lucy said: “Donna definitely gave me food for thought. Josh is a bit unfocused, and not as considerate as he could be. Or as she put it, ‘an ungrateful, self-centred little twat who’ll drag you down to his level’.” 

Josh said: “Lucy seemed a bit quiet after talking to mum. I expect she’s feeling overwhelmed by a mother’s outpouring of unconditional love for her son.”