HAVE you been wrongly accused of theft due to clunky Fujitsu technology? Here’s how to claim compensation from our 100 per cent reliable Fujitsu online hub.
Answer a series of security questions and create a memorable password
To help set up your profile, we need to know a little bit about you. Tell us your name, which Post Office branch you worked at and when, plus your mother’s maiden name, your passport number, your entire medical history, and a scan of your retinas and fingerprints. Then all you have to do is choose a secure password. How about: MrBates1SaM0neyGrabbingTwat£2024?
Enter how much you think we owe you
This might be hard to remember because it all happened ages ago, so if in doubt just enter £0.00. If you’re somehow convinced Fujitsu swindled you out of tens of thousands of pounds and your home, enter a ballpark number. Don’t worry if the sum mysteriously changes before your eyes, that’s the system working out the correct figure.
Give us your bank details and authorise a direct debit
So that we can make sure the right money goes to the right account, please enter your account number, sort code and those bizarrely important three numbers on the back of your debit card. Then all you need to do is approve a direct debit to Fujitsu. We might take a few pounds out of your account, but that’s just to make sure we’ve got the right details. Nothing to be concerned about.
Do you have a criminal record? List any quashed convictions
Unfortunately, we are completely unable to process compensation claims if you have a criminal record. Even if you have been cleared of a previous unlawful conviction and ITV has made an on-the-nose drama about it, our system simply refuses pointblank. Sorry. As a major multinational company we have to obey the law when it suits us.
Let us do the rest
That’s it, you’re set up! Now you can sit back, relax, and let the Fujitsu supercomputer deal with your money. Your compensation claim could take up to 12 years to go through the system though, so don’t keep refreshing your account hoping for a result. A watched kettle never boils and all that. In fact it’s probably best if you simply forget about the whole thing, like your Amazon Prime subscription.
