'Oo 'eck, honest Lee's only gone and done 'imself out of a job'

OH bloody Nora, now I’ve done it. I’ve stood by my principles and done meself out of a plum job as deputy Tory chairman. Mother’s going to go spare.

It were the peer pressure that did it, ’alf of it from proper actual peers. ‘We’re all voting for these amendments, Lee,’ says that Rees-Mogg, who’s right plummy, ‘won’t you join us?’ And a lad from Ashfield can’t say no to that.

But in’t cold light o’ day, now all that adrenalin from writing the resignation letter’s not coursing through me common Northern veins, ’appen I’ve made a right tit of meself by jacking in the top job.

Mother won’t have found out yet – news takes a while to travel to up North, if it makes it at all – but come Friday night she’ll be expecting my pay packet on the table and I’ll ’ave to tell ’er I jacked it in cause the posh lads said to.

She’ll go spare. ’Bad enough you’re working in that there London when there’s night shifts going up ‘ere, but now you’ve quit? No son of mine’s claiming the dole. We’ve got too much humble pride.’

And she won’t tek me wages from GB News. ‘Making a show of yourself,’ she calls it, and she’s not wrong. I sometimes reckon they’ve only got me on because I’m thick.

No, there’s no two ways about it – I’ll go to the boss and ask for my old job back. I’ll tell him honest Lee’s made a mistake, that he’ll be right good and faithful in future and if he needs anyone doing in, I’m yer man.

Shitting heck, there’s only another Rwanda vote later on. Well that’s set cat among t’pigeons and no mistake. Maybe I’ll hide in’t cupboard.

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How to survive an American candy shop coming to the high street of YOUR town

AMERICAN candy shops are turning your kids into junkies hooked on SWEETS and VAPES, as the Daily Mail would put it. Here’s what to do if this foreign menace appears on your high street. 

SMELL your children’s breath on an hourly basis

Have a good sniff of their mouth for childish vape flavours like bubblegum and strawberry. A single puff on a vape will instantly make them addicted and they will become a child prostitute like Jodie Foster in Taxi Driver. If you get a whiff of blue raspberry, kick them out of the family home before they start stealing from your purse.

Force-feed your family proper BRITISH sweets

American sweets are full of sugar, whereas proper British sweets contain only natural spring water, fibre and vitamins. The new rule in your house should be: no dinner until you’ve finished your 1kg bag of Bassetts Liquorice Allsorts.

STRIP-SEARCH your children

And confiscate any sweets with suspiciously American names like Jelly Bellys and Jolly Ranchers. Your teenage son will resist a cavity search at first, but persuade him it’s like one of his tragic gangsta rap fantasies and it would happen all the time if the ‘feds’ sent him to the ‘pen’. He’ll probably be quite keen then.


You and other parents should take your kids and march on the American candy store brandishing garden forks and petrol bombs. If a frenzied mob of thick people beats to death a passing stranger with a ‘funny’ accent who must therefore be American, you’re doing a great job as a parent.

Avoid all FOREIGN retailers

Candy shops are yet another dangerous foreign thing like asylum seekers and the French, so encourage your family to be rabid xenophobes about non-British shops. Admittedly this means you’ll only be able to buy things from Morrisons, Halfords and Wimpy, but what five-year-old wouldn’t love a halogen fog lamp for their birthday, followed by taking them and all their friends for a ‘bender in a bun’?

BAN TikTok

The evil tentacles of American candy shops extend to TikTok, where influencers promote their sweets. A TikTok ban will be hard to police, so encourage your family and neighbours to set up a Stasi-like network of informers to report anyone seen using TikTok. The death penalty will be the most effective deterrent, so don’t be tempted to have a quick look at that hot chick who plays classic guitar riffs in a bikini top.

Build a WALL around your TOWN

Like Mongol hordes and the plague, the only guaranteed way to keep candy shops out is to barricade yourselves behind high walls before they get here. Get local residents to fortify your town – Brexiters will be especially keen – and anyone trying to get in, even paramedics, will have boiling oil poured on them. If, despite your efforts, a candy shop establishes itself, commit mass suicide with cyanide. It’s better than the hideous fate of living near a shop selling Twinkies that you’re completely free not to go into.