Human brain basically a VHS recorder

THE most extensive scan of the human brain yet has revealed it is essentially a storage unit for highlights from The A Team.

Scientists at Massachusetts General Hospital found that the largest area of the brain is the 80s televisual cortex, which stores data about old teatime series like MacGyver, Airwolf and Diff’rent Strokes.

Neurologist Dr Roy Hobbs said: “The mind is basically an organic VHS video recorder, capturing whole episodes from antiquated TV action series, like the one where the A Team gets cornered in a toy factory and attach rockets to remote control helicopters.

“This explains why you can still recall that episode of MacGyver with the killer ants but can’t ever remember your mum’s birthday.

“It also suggests that Stuart Maconie may be the pinnacle of human evolution.

“What’s really interesting is that even people who weren’t born in the 80s have a recollection of these shows, like a light entertainment ‘tribal memory’.”

Dr Hobbs added: “Thoughts and emotions are just a by-product of the recording process, giving the brain something to do when there’s nothing good on telly.

“Possibly we were created by advanced alien engineers who will one day come and harvest our brains for old TV highlights, thus using our species as a kind of intergalactic Netflix.”



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Female panda 'just wants to stay friends'

THE UK’s panda breeding hopes are in shreds after female Tian Tian announced she likes her prospective partner as a friend.

Edinburgh Zoo’s male panda Yuang Guang is distraught after being ‘dealt the friend card’ by his enclosure-mate, which effectively puts sex off the menu forever.

Yuang Guang said: “I really thought she was into me. We spent a lot of quality time together in our enclosure, mainly hanging out by the man-made rock pool.

“She always laughs at my jokes, and the other evening she put her paw on my arm as the sun was setting.

“Now she’s giving me all this friend bullshit. I could have just pounced on her as she was coming into season but that’s not the sort of panda I am.”

Tian Tian said: “Yuang Guang is a really nice guy. He’ll make some other panda very happy.

“But I’m actually more into one of the timber wolves in the enclosure adjacent to ours. Despite the species gap, the way he dominates the pack really excites me.”

Zookeeper Nikki Hollis said: “Yuang Guang made his move shortly after feeding time last night, waking Tian Tian from a nap to say he wanted her to be his girlfriend.

“We were all covering our faces, like ‘no Yuang Guang, don’t do that! Just mount her!’ It was a disaster and now it’s really awkward in the enclosure.

“As much as I respect Tian Tian’s decision, it’d make all our lives a lot easier if she’d just, you know, do it with Yuang Guang.”

Responding to the suggestion, Tian Tian said: “What? No way! You people are fucked up.”