New owl created for menopausal craft enthusiasts

A NEW species of owl has been created for people who sell things on craft websites.

‘Crafting’ fans hired genetic engineers to create the Rinjani Scops owl, which they hope will provide inspiration for owl-based ephemera.

Trinket maker Emma Bradford said: “We’d done pretty much everything possible with existing owl species, but this new bird opens up hundreds of knick-knack possibilities.

“Rinjani Scops owl candle soaps, Rinjani Scops owl scented drawer liners, Rinjani Scops owl sun visors…I could go on.”

Nikki Hollis, an ornithological style tweeter, explained: “Owls have a huge significance in the artisanal world.

“We classify an owl as anything with big eyes and a decent mark up value – like Lily Cole, if Lily Cole ate shrews.”

Geneticist Dr Roy Hobbs said: “I’m working closely with the craft community to make new animals with appealing, iconic facial features.

“Currently I’m doing some mottled snakes for people who make draught excluders and sock puppets.

“Also I’m splicing together a new dung beetle that will be introduced to Namibia and subsequently form the basis of a garish Christmas tree ornament.”



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Carnival cruise passengers offered new identities

CRUISE passengers who endured the Carnival Triumph will be able to start a new life with a different name.

The 4,200 wretched souls, currently being hosed down in Alabama, are expected to be shunned or victimised after spending four days on a sticky boat full of raw sewage.

A spokesman said: “We are offering each passenger the chance to start again in a strange town.

“We will arrange employment and housing and each person will get a tailor-made ‘back story’ that does not involve ever being on a ship.”

Tom Logan and his wife Sandra, both GPs from Dorset, have accepted an offer to move to Ohio and work as shopping mall security guards.

Logan added: “We would have no life back in England. Who wants to be examined by someone whose hands are forever tainted?”

But passenger Jane Thomson, said: “I don’t want to change my name. Instead I think we should set up our own community.

“Sure, we could maybe last for a few months in normal society but eventually people will discover the truth and drive us out of town with angry dogs.

“We’re the Unclean and it’s best if we stay amongst our own kind.”