Hurry up, evolution told

SOCIETY has asked the process of evolution if it could pull its finger out.

Would humanity evolve faster if more brains were kept in jars?

Researchers said that studies of pig copulation, shrub worship and Scotland show progress has been made but that Amy Childs’ bank account and Jeremy Hunt’s excuses prove there is much work to be done.

Some scientists have even suggested that fully purging the human race of fucknuttery will involve a leap into a whole new species, provisionally entitled ‘Homo Smugus’.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute For Studies said: “We’ve been blasting Ed Miilband speeches and E4 at DNA strands and you can actually see them sprout tiny legs to try and escape from the petri dish.

“It does seem our genetic predisposition is to move away from being insufferable shitwits but the undeveloped reptilian part of our brain suggests we’re always going to have Kasabian.”

Research shows that rapid genetic advances in humans were initially focussed on not dying of a cold by the age of 30 or being able to run faster than a dinosaur.

But DNA samples from the 1600s compared to a 21st century council estate unit from Carlisle show miniscule changes such as an ability to digest Sunny Delight or a slightly more posable phone thumb.

Brubaker added: “We plan to use stem cell research to forcibly evolve people who object to stem cell research.”