Old bastard attacked by useless shower of piss

A SNEAKY old bastard was last night attacked by people who have made a career in politics.

Unemployable misfits who spend your money on themselves said multi-billionaire Rupert Murdoch was not fit to run a business, particularly the incredibly successful one he has built from scratch.

Tom Watson, the chubby Labour MP who used public money to buy £4,800 worth of food in a single year, said: “Rupert Murdoch is a total bastard. How he ever became successful is a mystery.

“Companies should be run by lovely people like Richard Branson and his bevy of gorgeous tax accountants.”

Watson who, along with fellow Labour MP Iain Wright, used £100,000 of public money to do up a London flat, added: “I remember saying to Gordon Brown that he and Sarah should not be such close friends with Rebekah Brooks. Unfortunately my mouth was full of cheese so he may have misheard me.”

But Mr Murdoch, who treats his staff like dog faeces and can never have enough money, said the MPs’ report was ‘highly partisan’ as it was written by people he has tried to destroy using any means necessary.

Turning to his son James, he said: “You told me Watson was dead. ‘Bottom of a disused mine shaft’ you said.

“Don’t you bloody lie to me again boy. You may be my son but it doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have you thrown out of a helicopter.”

Murdoch insisted he had already addressed the issues raised in the report by making his newspapers 0.2% less bullying and dishonest.

He added: “I’m really, really sorry if I’ve done a bad thing. Can someone teach me how to cry?”

Meanwhile, Tom Watson was last night filling a trolley with M&S pizzas and thanking members of the public for their support.



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Titanic II billionaire also commissions remote controlled-iceberg

THE super-rich magnate behind the new Titanic is also making a life-sized replica of the original iceberg, amid fears he may be totally insane.

Billionaire Tom Logan recently announced the construction of the vastly expensive Titanic II, claiming the project was a tribute to the original engineers.

But it has emerged that Logan simultaneously commissioned a huge fake iceberg, dubbed Behemoth, which can be controlled via a handset.

Logan’s sister Emma Bradford said: “My brother is a very rich man but also very cruel.

“He is obsessed with the actress Kate Winslet, whom he intends to invite on Titanic II’s inaugural voyage. I believe that he intends to ram the ship with his massive pretend iceberg then rescue her in his gold helicopter as it sinks.

“He believes that she will then fall in love with him and they will live forever in a purpose-built ‘sex dome’ on the moon.”

She added: “I strongly advise against the purchase of a ‘Titanic II’ ticket.”

Engineer Stephen Malley said: “It’s not often I get asked to build a fake iceberg the size of a skyscraper but it is the kind of thing where you make sure you get paid upfront.

“It’s up to him what he does with it.”