I can always return it, says woman who never, ever has

A WOMAN has justified her latest costly purchases on the grounds they can be returned for a full refund, which she has never, ever done. 

33-year-old Joanna Kramer visited Next’s website on Saturday for a new pair of trousers, and 90 minutes later was checking out with a basket totalling £280, of which £228 does not count because it could, in theory, be sent back.

Kramer said: “Buying online doesn’t involve nagging worries about how you’ll afford it. You’re not even really buying it – you’re just paying a deposit to see how it looks in person.

“After I popped the trousers in the basket, I had to add a few more items to get delivery included. Why pay that £4.95 when spending an extra £43.50 gets it to you for free? That’s called mature financial planning.

“Of course I’ve returned stuff. I mean, I must have, once, with something. Just because I can’t think of a specific occasion doesn’t mean it never happened. There’s definitely stuff that I hated or didn’t fit that I meant to take back, which is the same thing.

“One time I got as far as printing off the returns label and packaging everything back up for the courier. If you don’t believe me, I can show you, right now. It’s in the wardrobe.”

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An old man falling under a bus: my kind of fun, with Suella Braverman

WE all need a laugh every now and again, like the guffaw I let out when seeing a Rwandan detention centre. These are my other go-to giggles: 

The rodent steamroller

I was brainstorming some crime prevention ideas with my team when out of nowhere one of them says ‘Imagine a load of rodents running away from a steamroller! But they can’t escape and it keeps on coming!’ and I admit it, we cracked up. They could hear us in the select committees. Even now I’m snorting.

Miscarriages of justice

There’s so much classic British comedy that’s still just as funny today: the Guildford Four, the Birmingham Six, Barry George, all those sub-postmasters. It was just so hilariously farcical when they got fitted up by corrupt police forces. They really should bring that back.

An old man falling under a bus

I actually saw this with my own eyes. He went down off the kerb like a sack of potatoes and wham! The bus driver got out, everyone was ashen-faced, I was howling with laughter and holding onto a lamppost to keep myself upright. God, I wish I could have filmed it.

All Quiet On The Western Front

An absolute travesty that this didn’t sweep the board at the Oscars, but comedies never do. From trench warfare to amputations without anaesthetic to the guy with the moustache getting shot in the woods, I was on the floor. And the war ends seconds after the hero gets killed! Come on. That is hysterical.

Windrush deportations

Priti Patel might be an idiot Boris apologist who should be wiped out like vermin, but she had a solid sense of humour. When I’m feeling down after seeing people walking free on the streets as if they’re allowed, I go through the Windrush files until I find a particularly blameless deportation and that gets me in a good mood.

The inevitable destruction of any morals or virtues in British life

When you look back on 13 years of Conservative government and the acceptance of lying for political ends, the mock-outrage at any principled attack on the government, the erosion of all pretence at ethical behaviour and the sheer misery it’s caused, well. You have to laugh.