I know your internet history, says weird IT guy in pub

AN office tech guy knows his colleagues’ darkest and most shameful internet secrets, he will cheerfully inform them at after-work drinks in the pub.

Martin Bishop, some sort of IT support bod who no one really talks to, believes mentioning his Stasi-like surveillance powers over their computer usage will be a great conversational ice-breaker this evening.

Bishop said: “Most people think my job is just installing firewalls, no, don’t walk off, this is interesting. Where was I? Oh yeah – I know all their grubby little internet histories, and in my socially dysfunctional way, I’m going to chat about it tonight. I can’t wait. 

“Dom in marketing keeps ordering multipacks of flavoured condoms off Amazon, must find out what that’s about, and I know exactly who’s been spending way too long on the fit receptionist’s Facebook page. I notice she has a lot of holiday bikini snaps. I’ll mention that when they’re all sitting down together.

“Steve has no idea that I can easily see through incognito mode, so I’ll see how his how his search for MILF porn is going. I’ll definitely ask him when he’s able to actually masturbate to it in such a busy office.

“Yes, it’s going to be a fun evening. I expect I’ll make quite a few friends, unless they never ask me along for drinks again, which has happened at every single place I’ve worked. Weird.”

Office administrator Tom Logan said: “Martin doesn’t scare me. I don’t look at porn or anything in the office. All my degrading piss videos are on my computer at home. I probably shouldn’t have said that, should I?”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Five terrible meals that make men think they should be on Masterchef

TODAY’S men see cooking not as a dull chore for women, but an opportunity to prove their masculine brilliance. They would do these traditional bloke dishes on Masterchef:

Spaghetti bolognese with loads of cheese

The testosterone-inspired culinary classic. A man will boil the spaghetti until just about to dissolve, fry some cheap mince, add watery tinned tomatoes and serve with a mountain of grated Cheddar in the traditional Italian style. The best bloke chefs add a a splash of Worcestershire sauce you can’t actually taste, firmly believing this elevates it to the level of the finest haute cuisine.

Egg and chips

Does exactly what it says on the tin. They wish it did come in a tin – there’d be less washing-up for the wife to do. They’re thoughtful like that. Call it ‘oeuf et chips’ and it’d get a Michelin star. Wankers.

A proper recipe, f**ked up

Could be moussaka, coq au vin or lamb rogan josh. The common factor is that it will be extremely ineptly cooked, so a huge amount of effort for something not very nice. A man will spend hours, if not days, putting it together, but forget to do basic things like brown the meat. Then he’lll serve it with great ceremony, expecting constant praise and possibly a blowjob later. Now all you need to do is hire a JCB to clear the vast pile of dirty and burnt dishes and pans and you’ll be able to use the kitchen again.

Pork scratchings sandwich

Follow closely or you’ll get it wrong. Two slices of bread and butter. Add a generous helping of pork scratchings. Take out any with a pig’s nipple on them. Those will put you off them for life. Eat. 

Bacon, sausage, eggs, beans, hash browns, mushrooms, black pudding, kidneys, fried bread, ketchup, four slices of bread and butter

Courgettes and lemon zest on a bed of rocket salad are no match for this grease-laden big boy. Rather high in calories and saturated fats? Sure, but he’ll burn it off with masculine activities like sitting at a computer. The great thing about a breakfast like this is it keeps you going. You won’t have to eat for another 12 weeks.