If these algorithms know me so well, how come they aren’t advertising Poundstretcher and Wetherspoons?

BY Nathan Muir

THE internet, we’re told, is a sinister force harvesting our data to create a complete picture of our lives, precision-targeting us with adverts and all but controlling our minds. 

Well, all I can say is when it comes to me, they’re severely underestimating what a cheap bastard I am.

Good luck to them, but the sidebar on my Facebook page is basically one long avenue of over-expensive trees they’re barking up.

Surely they know my credit rating? But for the last five months they’ve been pushing Ted Baker suits at me when I work at a distribution warehouse and dress from Primark.

I keep seeing decking adverts. Nice try. I live in a fourth-floor flat. I’ve as much chance of decking a garden as I have of decking Anthony Joshua.

Investment portfolios? Piss off. If they only tried a deluxe box of Heritage Shapes and Choc Chip Shortbreads from Poundstretcher for £1.99. That’s more my speed.

Or lunchtime deals on guest ales at Wetherspoons. Or scratchcards. Or shit cars with 87,000 miles on the clock.

Do that, and I will start to worry that Mark Zuckerberg knows me better than I know myself. Till then, my poverty is my shield of impregnability.

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Boss demands complete professionalism from everyone except himself

A MANAGER who requires staff to be completely professional sees no contradiction in buggering off to take his car to the garage, it has emerged.

Head of purchasing Roy Hobbs regularly upbraids staff over minor issues of dress and timekeeping, but then disappears for half the afternoon to take his car in for an MOT.

Administrator Carolyn Ryan said: “Roy insists you don’t let the phone ring more than three times before answering especially if it’s his wife calling about the builders.

“Yesterday he had a real go at Emma because her train was late, then he shut himself away for two hours to choose a new company car.

“Once we were working flat out on a big order and Roy was barely off the phone. I thought I’d got the wrong impression about him but then I realised he was organising a lads’ trip to Madrid.

“Also if we go to the pub on Friday it’s frowned upon, but it’s fine for Roy because he goes to a restaurant with one of his management buddies and calls it a strategy meeting.”

Hobbs said: “My role is to provide leadership, not get bogged down in day-to-day stuff. I’m like the captain of a ship. Which reminds me I must go online and look up canal holidays.”