InstaKiller photo app launched

A NEW app has been launched that makes everyday pictures look like photos from a serial killer’s wall.

Using a series of colour filters, focal length algorithms and forensic technology people can recreate their own eerily blank-eyed family photos and blurred close-ups of something red with human hair and fragments of teeth in it.

Developer Wayne Hayes said: “With ‘Gacy’, ‘West’ and the default ‘Lorry Driver’ settings, everyone can have their Facebook timelines look like the opening credits to Se7en. It’s the banality of evil app for everybody from eight to 80.

“‘Gacy’ makes your friends look like badly-painted clowns and ‘West’ gives everybody a pair of mutton chops and adds a large, malevolent-looking wife into the photo.

“The lorry driver setting was the most challenging as it subtly adds in a piece of rolled-up carpet into the background of your shot that should remain unnoticed for several months until a jogger or dog walker is looking at your photo.”

Hayes has promised add-on features will be available as new rivers are dredged and basements dug up, as well as introducing ‘classic’ features such as the ‘Manson’ which will daub ‘Helter Skelter’ onto the background walls of pictures.

The app is currently only available for Android phones so Hayes can focus on his target market of weird, disaffected loners.

InstaKiller fan Roy Hobbs said: “The way it cuts the eyes out of photos and replaces them with jagged holes is really quite clever and I particularly like the slide show option, which blankly intones ‘Do you see?’ between each picture.”

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Michael Gove 'surprisingly strong'

EDUCATION secretary Michael Gove has a surprising amount of upper body strength, it has emerged.

As new research showed that strong men are more likely to be conservative, Mr Gove claimed he could lift a sheep over his head.

He said: “It’s mainly barbells, some bench-work. And I eat a lot of Coco Pops.

“I’m naturally strong so the weights just give me that edge. Sometimes I’m so ripped I scare myself.”

Mr Gove said he was not surprised by the research as he always knew there was a fundamental connection between his Thatcherite politics and his raw, animal power.

He added: “There’s no such thing as society, there are only individuals, families and a really deep burn.”

Gove, who also claimed he has never needed to use a nutcracker, said his body-building heroes are Arnold Schwarzenegger, Charles Atlas and John Redwood.

“It was John who first introduced me to bench-pressing. We would meet up in the House of Commons gym and spot each other while reading passages from Milton Friedman.

“Did you know that Friedman once punched a cow so hard that it just died?”

When the new academic year begins in September, Mr Gove will tour schools, lifting desks with one finger and challenging the biggest boy in the class to a bare-chested wrestling match.