iPhone X hailed as huge step forward in pointless things to dick about with

APPLE’S new iPhone X has been hailed as a revolution in dicking about.

The cutting-edge smartphone, which costs a thousand pounds, has a host of features to make dicking about simpler, smarter and more compelling than ever.

Apple’s Tim Cook said: “You are just going to love dicking about with this. Look, if I press it here a picture of a cartoon pig comes up, then you talk to him and he goes ‘oink’.

“But that’s not all. If I hold it like this then it takes a picture of my face, and then I can make it look like I’ve got wings coming out of my eyes and turn that image into a hologram for no purpose whatsoever.

“And you know that thing that makes your screen look like some beer and you can tip it and pretend to be drinking the beer? It’s got that on it.”

Cook then abandoned his presentation as he became so engrossed in dicking about with the iPhone X.

Technology analyst Emma Bradford said: “If you tap the screen twice it says ‘ice cream’ in Spanish. That’s the kind of dicking about I’d pay a grand for.

“Plus it has cool ‘just for fun’ features like letting you hear another person’s voice and say things to them. That’s more for the hardcore fan though.”

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34-year-old man enjoys final day of non-creepy flirting

A MAN in his mid-thirties is enjoying his final day of flirting without it just being creepy.

Barista Tom Logan, who is 35 tomorrow, plans to spend today making mildly flirtatious small talk with attractive female customers.

He said: “Tomorrow I will be an old man, and my flirty chit-chat will seem at best pathetic, and at worst mildly menacing.

“I’ll be a middle-aged man and if I give anyone free chocolate sprinkles they’ll either punch me in the face or tell their boyfriend what I did so that he can punch me in the face.”

From tomorrow, single Logan must start being polite but not overly friendly to women: “I’m definitely not going to compliment anyone’s umbrella or say they look a bit like a famous person. They’ll think I’m lonely or a perv.

“Hopefully I’ll meet a girlfriend in the normal, non-creepy way of swiping my greasy finger across their photo on a screen to confirm that I find them sexually attractive.”