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Is this email spam, or is Elon Musk offering you sperm to have his children?

IS this a spam email, or is it a genuine offer from Elon Musk to send you frozen sperm to birth yet more of his legion of children? You decide!

Because anonymous offers of billionaire spunk are normally so self-evidently fraudulent they automatically go to the junk folder, but just this week co-worker Shivon Zilis told a court Musk had fathered her four children so it happens!

The world’s richest man, who proves that reading science fiction warps young minds, has at least 14 offspring with a whole range of women with names like Strider, Azure, Techno Mechanicus, X AE A-12, and those are just the ones we know about!

Chances are, given the amount of money he has and what a stone-cold wanker he undoubtedly is, he’s fathered at least five times that to create an army of bowl-haircutted progeny speaking in unison! And the mothers of those children? Getting paid.

So this email, which explicitly offers you chilled 100 per cent Musk semen and a cash bonus for impregnation, could well be genuine! Especially as it includes specific instructions to abort the pregnancy if the child is not male, which fits with known facts.

This email, insane though its contents are, could mean you never have to work again! Just for popping out a few children for a man who will never want to meet them, you’re on the gravy train for life! Even if his scions are rather off-putting to be around!

On the other hand, a nakedly lunatic offer like this could be just as lunatic as it seems! It could be nothing more than a total scam sent out by a bot farm in Hyderabad, and you’re an idiot for believing in it even for one second.

Either way, provide your address and received a chilled container of sperm. Will you pop it up there for a reward? Is it even a billionaire’s, or just some other weird f**ker who likes to crack one off into the post? The choice is yours.

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Let's hope Green councils don't f**k up as fast as I have. By Zack Polanski

WE’RE set for big gains today, so let’s look forward to a fairer, greener Britain. That’s assuming Green councillors don’t bollocks things up as impressively quickly as me.

Yeah, the latest thing is me pretending to be a Red Cross spokesman years ago when I wasn’t. Obviously the press are out to get me, but it’s still pretty weird. Why would you do that? It’s not exactly Catch Me If You Can, but if anything the lack of ambition makes it worse.

So my message to new councillors winning seats today is this: for f**k’s sake don’t copy me in any way. And a good starting point for that is not claiming hypnotherapy can give you bigger tits. 

That was a stitch-up by The Sun but it’s still a totally stupid thing to go along with, so avoid anything like that. Don’t claim voting Green gives you a bigger penis. Or that you’ll collect the wheelie bins with mind powers. Or you’ve got the ability to rearrange matter like Doctor Manhattan out of Watchmen. Because that would be embarrassing bollocks, yes?

I’d also ask councillors not to change parties like I did. I used to be a Lib Dem, but I’m quite ambitious so I didn’t want my political career to be permanently stuck in the toilet like Ed Davey. So please don’t all join other parties, as that kind of buggers up today’s incredible gains.

We’ve been over antisemitism (bad, remember?) and it I’d also appreciate it if councillors don’t speak their brains over violent incidents involving the police because I looked like a dick when I did that. Don’t say ‘They should have knocked him out with a tranquiliser dart!’ or whatever naive liberal thought pops into your head. Say something about potholes instead.

Finally, I’d ask our new councils to avoid batshit Green fringe policies, which I know some of you are into. If you want to announce you’re going to charge local kebab shops with murder, at least give it a year or two before you make twats of yourselves. I wouldn’t.

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