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'I've always hated you': What your friend said in their deleted WhatsApp message

WHATSAPP loves shit-stirring by telling you a friend has deleted a message. Here’s a reasonable guess at what they said.

‘I’ve always hated you’

There’s always that one friend in the group chat who you suspect has always loathed your very being. And for good reason, because they do. In fact they couldn’t contain their hatred during a back-and-forth about pub logistics and finally revealed their true feelings in a short, brutal message. It was a bit too real for everyone else though so it was promptly deleted.

‘I am sleeping with you wife/ husband/ parents’

The guilt was eating your friend up, so they had to just come out and say it. Their message was only withdrawn before you could read it because it wasn’t really suitable for a group titled ‘Jane’s Baby Shower Girlies’. Bear with your friend and they’ll add you to the ‘shameful admissions’ chat. It’s all kicking off in there.

‘You were a mistake’

Not in terms of being added to the group chat. No, in a broader, ‘being alive’ sense. Your parents have confirmed that your existence baffles them because they were never trying for kids. That’s not to say they hate you, but if they could go back in time they’d probably give your conception a miss. Not even a crying while laughing emoji can smooth over that bombshell.

‘We all know that secret you’re trying to hide’

Don’t play dumb. You know the shameful secret of which they speak. Deny it all you want but everyone in the group chat is well aware of it. They only decided to delete the message because they’re busy organising an intervention and they want to retain the element of surprise. It’s for your own good. You need help.

‘You’re actually pretty cool, mate’

Sincerity is not permitted in the lads’ group chat. Only football-related banter, GIFs that would offend even 4chan and complaints about the in-laws are allowed. This uncharacteristically kind message was swiftly shitcanned before everyone else could pile on your mate and call him a bender. And they would’ve gotten away with it too if WhatsApp wasn’t a filthy little grass.

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'Oh what, like you've never sent a hostile foreign power nudes?' says Tory MP

CONSERVATIVE MP William Wragg has told people judging him for sending nudes to a foreign agent they have undoubtedly done the same or worse themselves.

The member for Hazel Grove admitted passing colleagues’ numbers to the cyberattacker, but hit out at critics as hypocrites for pretending they had never responded to anonymous approaches with explicit photographs.

He continued: “I was contacted by a man on Grindr who claimed to have hooked up with me on parliamentary premises. So far, so ordinary Tuesday, right?

“And yes after that, without being one hundred per cent sure who he was, I exchanged photographs of myself in a state of undress. Any MP – bloody hell, any normal person – who claims they wouldn’t have behaved as I did in the circumstances is a liar.

“At which point the person, who I had now begun to suspect was an agent of a hostile foreign power with thousands or even millions of nudes he could send me, was glad to trade a few footling phone numbers.

“Apparently others – staffers, journalists and the lowly like – got similar messages and didn’t respond. More fool them. When opportunity calls, I seize it.”

Constituent Nathan Muir said: “Of all the people to fall for a sex honeypot trap, who would have expected a Conservative MP?”

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