Jetpacks Already Boring

THE amusement factor of the first commercially available jetpack lasts about five minutes, it emerged last night.

Several of the jetpacks, made by Martin Aircraft and retailing for £50,000, have already been spotted at car boot sales and in branches of Cash Converters.

Jetpack owner Nathan Muir said: "Like most men and quite a few women, owning a jetpack has been one of my foremost life goals.

"How amazing, you'd think, to fly like a superhero, swooping gracefully through fields and valleys as amazed onlookers point and gasp, eyes full of wonder at this perfect fusion of man and machine. But it's actually bollocks.

"Once you've been up and down a bit the novelty sort of wears off, it guzzles fuel and it's kind of a hassle to put it on. There's all these fiddly harnesses that you have to fuck about with.

"And is the landlord supposed to keep it behind the bar for you while you have a pint?"

Roy Hobbs, from Grantham, who spent 18 years on a waiting list for his jetpack, said: "As soon as I strapped it on I realised I didn't look anything like as cool as I'd imagined. In fact, I looked like a sort of Welsh Transformer.

"I launched from the back garden and was immediately pelted with coppers by local kids calling me names like 'Buzz Shiteyear' and 'Roger Bumjet'."

He added "I got really angry and wanted to clout them, but of course by the time I'd found a suitable landing spot they'd all fucked off.

"It's up in the loft now."


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Cbeebies Defends Pole Dancer Of The Year Show

THE BBC last night defended a new series that hopes to find the best new under 14 pole dancer in Britain.

Starting next week, Skankz, hosted by Konnie Huq, will tour the country staging X-Factor style auditions to discover the UK's best pre-pubescent wannabe trash.

Many entrants have been perfecting their routines during PE lessons and some schools have incorporated picking up pound coins with buttock cheeks into the curriculum.

Mother of eight Nikki Hollis is hopeful that her 12-year-old daughter Subaru will impress the judges with her gyratory interpretation of Christina Aguilera's Dirrty.

Hollis said: "She's been so excited for weeks and we've all chipped in to help by sewing little sequins onto her thong and braiding her hair with straggly blonde extensions. For her birthday we bought her a tattoo of the celtic word for 'cheap' on the small of her back. It looks really classy."

But omnipresent TV psychologist Linda Popadopoulos warned the BBC was setting a dangerous example, adding: "The average young teenager isn't psychologically mature enough to cope with decisions like whether to baste themselves with cooking oil or do a back flip onto a beer bottle.

"We should allow kids to be kids and do normal things like killing small animals or setting fire to anything that stays still long enough for them to hold a match to it."

But a BBC spoeksman defended Skankz, adding "We have a long history of producing challenging, innovative programmes for children including last year's Teen Guantanamo and Lordy! My Dad Is A Crack Dealer!.

"Skankz is a chance for Britain to show that we can match any country in the world for producing talented young trollops. Except for the Americans, obviously."