Man has no passwords left to give

A MAN has admitted he has no passwords left in him after years of using the internet.

32-year-old Ryan Whittaker has finally run out of passwords and his brain is now simply incapable of creating new ones. 

Whittaker said: “I’m at my f**king limit. I’ve done it all – pet names, favourite bands and colours, ex-girlfriends. Even celebrities I wank over. ‘Riley21!’ lets me into at least 30 websites.

“I follow a simple formula – the name of something, the final two digits of the year I made the password, and a special character. And the only special character I can think of is an exclamation mark. None of the others feel right.

“My passwords have become a time capsule of the man I once was. I was obsessed with Succession for a while, which led to ‘Waystar22!’. I’ve still got one named after my long-dead family dog and a woman I used to fancy, ‘RufusEmily19!’. I’m glad she doesn’t know about that.

“I’ve tried swapping letters for numbers and making crazy incomprehensible combinations, but if they’re too complex I’ve got no chance of remembering them. I have to write them down in my Notes app and that’s too much of a pain in the arse.

“My solution is to have three passwords I use for everything. And then pray to f**king God I don’t get hacked.”

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The Hunger Games, and other things Gen Z is nostalgic for that happened f**king yesterday

YOU’RE nostalgic for MacGyver and Eurythmics, so when Gen Z reminisces about The Hunger Games and The X Factor, it makes you feel like a wizened elder. Here’s what they’re looking back on.

The Hunger Games

The prequel movie is in cinemas and Gen Z is going feral with excitement. The first film came out in 2012 which means children who originally watched Jennifer Lawrence catapult a wasp’s nest at some blonde kids can now legally buy Smirnoff. Isn’t it great feeling a billion years old?

Phones with buttons

The humble Nokia is a relic Gen Z only hazily recollects. Their dreams are haunted by vague memories of Snake, and fears of charging their parents £1,000,000 by accidentally accessing the internet. If they hear the first four notes of a 00s ringtone, they’re hurtled back to their childhood like the food critic in Ratatouille.

David Tennant in Doctor Who

Your 20-year-old excitedly yells: ‘He’s back for the 60th anniversary!’ Hold on there, young person. David only left a couple of years ago and then Matt Smith took over. No? It’s been 13 years and three Doctors (or five, six or eleven depending on which nerd you ask) and David Tennant’s ‘Allons-y!’ now reminds grown adults of having turkey dinosaurs for tea.

The Star Wars prequels

It only feels like a few parsecs since Hayden Christensen said he didn’t like sand and Obi-Wan Kenobi lightsabered Anakin’s legs off on Mustafar. Well, that was your average Zoomer’s introduction to Star Wars. Their lingering memory of the prequels is probably the Lego PS2 game, and Darth Maul’s Lego limbs comically kicking Kenobi in the nuts.

The Nintendo DS

Like a Boomer reminisces about the rough-haired Jack Russell they loved as a child, a Gen Zer fondly recalls the pixelated shih tzu they owned on Nintendogs and struggled to train with the DS’s built-in microphone. You can only hope Cooking Mama prepared them to make something other than pesto pasta now they’re living alone.

The X Factor

In 1898, George Bernard Shaw said of composer Richard Wagner: ‘Most of us are helplessly under the spell of his greatness.’ In 2023, TikTok user NoCap2001 said of The X Factor contestant Wagner: ‘bro was robbed. wagner always served major slay.’ History truly does repeat itself. Presumably Gen Alpha will have their own Wagner – and JLS and Steve Brookstein – and the grim cycle will continue.