Man oblivious to catastrophic world decline because he has massive headphones

A MAN has remained unconcerned throughout Brexit, the cost-of-living crisis, and climate change because he is wearing enormous headphones. 

Tom Logan, from Barnet, says that his noise-cancelling headphones, which cover one-fourth of his head’s total surface area, have successfully insulated him from every problem facing Britain today.

He added: “I see all these people getting worked up about, like, some land war in Europe or whatever and I just gesture to my ears and smile.

“Why understand stuff that might distress you when instead you can be taking in Daft Punk’s shimmering Random Access Memories on a stunning soundstage of breathtaking sonic fidelity?

“There were redundancies at my work. I wore headphones. There was a huge racist barney on my train. I wore headphones.

“War coming? Not to me, mate. I’ve got headphones.”

Logan added: “Though the one thing that does bother me is what’s happening to the young people now, because I keep seeing them wearing Beats By Dre. They are not good headphones.”

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Star Wars theme park to be one-third total cack

A THIRD of Disney’s upcoming Star Wars theme park will be complete cack in honour of the prequels.

Newly released concept art shows a large area devoted to hated characters and rides based on idiotic scenes from the films everyone wishes did not exist.

A Disney spokesman said: “Everything based on Episodes IV to IX will be excellent or at least very good, whereas the prequels bits will be crap and taint the whole experience for you.

“There will be a thrilling ride based on the speeder bike chase from Jedi, but also a really dull one where you sit in Qui-Gon Jinn’s submarine and see a big fish and that’s about it.

“You’ll need to eat while you’re there, so there’ll be restaurants based on Dexter Jettster’s stupid 1950s diner where you can grab a liver burger with Marmite fries.”

Disney ‘imagineer’ Tom Logan said: “I’m currently working on the ‘Naboo Tunnel of Love’ where you sit in a gondola and listen to an animatronic Anakin and Padme emotionlessly reciting excruciating dialogue for three hours.”