Angela Eagle less electable than Eddie the Eagle, finds survey

ANGELA Eagle is a less viable leader of the Labour Party than haphazard ski jumper Eddie ‘the Eagle’ Edwards, it has been confirmed.

Eagle had emerged as the leading challenger to Jeremy Corbyn, but researchers discovered most people would rather be governed by Eddie the Eagle, a member of US country-rock band The Eagles, or just a large eagle.

Voter Bill McKay said: “I’m sure she’s very nice, but when it comes to representing Britain in international trade talks we’d be in safer hands, or talons, with a massive bird of prey.

“Granted, it can only communicate in an indecipherable, high-pitched squawk, but it wouldn’t burst into tears because it thought it had hurt Jeremy Corbyn’s feelings.

“Eddie the Eagle might, but he’s a lovely bloke and is far too good for the Labour Party.”

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UK exhausted from arguing with Brexit f**kwits

MILLIONS of Britons are physically exhausted after spending what feels like decades arguing with people who do not understand anything.

Many ‘remain’ voters feel they need a holiday or a long sleep after the tiring experience of trying to reason with people who completely reject logic or evidence.

Martin Bishop said: “Whenever I spoke to my uncle Trevor about Brexit he’d just make some fatuous comment like, ‘I suppose you wish the Germans had won the war, then!’

“It was incredibly knackering because he’d just respond to everything with random bullshit, like when he said the economy would be fine because we’d ‘just think of new products to sell’.”

Emma Bradford said: “I’m worn out from talking to Brexiters because a lot of them think listing everything that pisses them off is the same as a rational debate.

“Also they just ignore anything they don’t like. When I explained to my mum that the EU doesn’t make our laws her reasoned response was to go and water the geraniums.”

However Brexit supporter Norman Steele said: “I’ve had lots of well-informed, reasonable debates with Project Fear’s brainwashed sheeple who hate their country.”