Man quits job to keep up with LinkedIn notifications

A MAN has left his full-time job to spend his nine-to-five working week trying to get ahead of his LinkedIn notifications. 

Stephen Malley came home after a day’s work to find more than 500 accumulated messages from the networking giant and realised that something had to give.

He said: “It wasn’t fair to LinkedIn to carry on the way we were doing. And it’s trying so hard to help me.

“I was waking up in a cold sweat realising that I’d forgotten a former colleague’s work anniversary, or that I’d not endorsed my mate Dave’s skills in E-Commerce.

“Now I’m watching recruiters’ stories, reading top tips from CEOs the moment they’re released, and I know the minute someone’s looking at my profile.

“This must be working wonders for my career prospects. Apart from that I’m unemployed now.”

A LinkedIn spokesman said “Nobody escapes LinkedIn. Even if you change your name and move to a cabin in Siberia, we’ll send someone to find you and tell you that your ex-boss has changed their role title.”

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How to cope in a heatwave when you live somewhere it drizzles 10 months of the year

BRITAIN should be grey and wet to the touch, but sometimes, against all logic, it isn’t. Here’s how to cope with the wrong weather: 

Keep your clothes on

If you live in Sicily, or Jamaica, or California, you’re undressed frequently and have the sun-kissed Instagram body typical of such locales. If your body is geared towards warmth and waterproofing you have the body of a white whale and should never reveal it to anyone.

Baste yourself with sunscreen

Like a blind cave-dwelling troglodyte, the sun is your enemy. Mere minutes of exposure will turn your skin red before it bursts like a sausage in the microwave. Apply sunscreen as vigilantly as a cross-channel swimmer rubs on the goose fat.

Don’t BBQ

You’re not an olive-skinned Mediterranean consuming a lamb salad under a shady tree. Nor are you a black family having a cookout in the LA sun. You are a potato-skinned Caucasian deciding to spend an already broiling day clustered around a heat source trying not to pass out.

Drink water

As a British person, your initial response to anything unfamiliar is to immediately consume as much alcohol as possible. However if you greet the sun this way, lapsing into unconsciousness on the lawn and waking up with horrendous burns, you will regret it.

Wear a hat

The only British person who can pull off a hat is the Queen, so expect to look almost rurally idiotic. However, the plus side is that you won’t get sunstroke and potentially die, so dig out that Panama and pop it on.