Man tries solving all his problems with optimism

A MAN inspired by Boris Johnson is to try to solve every problem he faces today with nothing more than sheer optimism. 

Nathan Muir has decided that, since optimism can solve trade negotiations, overcome parliamentary opposition and put a man on the moon, it can probably perform similar miracles in everyday life.

He said: “Slept in this morning. I’m still gonna make it to work on time. You know why? Looking on the bright side mate.

“Then, undaunted by my verbal warning for lateness, I beat the recurring problem of low sales by telling everyone it’d be fine. Better than fine. Brilliant.

“After that I had three pints at lunch – who says it impairs my ability to work? Glass half-empty types – I told Rachel in accounts that she should join me and my girlfriend for a threesome, and that she’d love it. Because I really believe she would.

“Technically fired, I made my way home knowing I’ll be welcomed back with a promotion tomorrow, only to find Rachel told my girlfriend. Still, what a marvellous night to sleep on the street with all my things.”

Brexiter Tom Logan said: “Well it’s obvious where he went wrong. Not optimistic enough.”

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May to run screaming through 80 miles of wheat

THERESA May is to formally resign as prime minister then run shrieking like a banshee through 80 miles of wheat, it has emerged. 

May, who has been replaced by Boris Johnson in one of the most profound insults ever delivered to a person, plans to reject society and all its conventions in the only way she knows how.

Farmers have been warned to stay out of their fields in a corridor beginning in central London and ending in the region of Thetford with full compensation promised for any damage caused.

A Downing Street source said: “She’s going to go to Buckingham Palace, hand in her notice, and then go absolutely balls-out apesh*t crazy on a wheatfield.

“Running, tearing, stamping, chewing it up and spitting it out, rolling in it while calling it a treacherous lying whore, the lot. No holds barred. That wheat is getting f**ked up.

“Then she starts running, tearing up handfuls as she goes, a trail of flame left behind her by the sheer white-hot force of her rage. We estimate speeds of up to 25mph.

“The path of devastation should peter out around the Norfolk area where she’ll come to her senses in a burning, blackened field, ash raining down. Then she’ll write her memoirs like a good little Tory.”