Johnson sells Britain to Peruvian drug lord

BRITAIN belongs to a Peruvian drug lord after an ‘accident’ by Boris Johnson.

Officials confirmed that shortly after taking office, the prime minister answered the door to a ‘salesmen’ who claimed he had an appointment.

A Downing Street spokesman said: “The chap had a Powerpoint presentation and some pamphlets and basically the upshot is by next week we all have to speak Spanish and hand over all the food in our cupboards.

“Boris seems very pleased with the briefcase full of odd-looking currency they left him, despite the fact the notes spell ’50’ wrong.”

It is not known if Britain’s new owner wants to keep the country intact before selling it on, or break it down for parts.

Meanwhile, a friend if Johnson added: “We’re keeping him occupied by pretending we need his help to beat up a journalist. He likes that.”

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What Boris Johnson will do in his first 24 hours as prime minister

BORIS Johnson is Britain’s prime minister, and the first 24 hours of his premiership are crucial. But how will he spend them? 

3pm: Meet Queen. Quip through questions about ability to form a stable government. Wait for laugh. Realise, puzzled, that laugh is not coming.

4pm: Make savage love to girlfriend, or other available party, from behind in Downing Street bedroom while calling her ‘Maggie’ and a ‘dirty iron bitch’.

4.20pm: Wonder idly if it’s even worth carrying on now that’s over and done with. Do so out of boredom.

5pm: Downing Street press conference. Lie to public for first time as PM. Should feel special but doesn’t.

6.30pm: Receive text from President Trump. Reads, in entirety: ‘Are you watching Fox News right now! Mentioned you + me!’

8pm: Begin to decide cabinet. Pretend you already knew there were more than four jobs and that only MPs are eligible. Get bored, go to toilet, don’t come back.

10.45pm: Make love to girlfriend (?) again, calling her Maggie again, disappointing.

11pm-9am: Sleep like lovely untroubled baby.

9.30am: Slowly wake. Further text from President Trump: ‘Muslims have taken over Chelsea! No-go area for Whites! On Fox News’.

10am: Girlfriend/other makes love to me from behind in Downing Street bedroom, calling me Maggie. Thrill gone.

12pm: Realise it’s all been a terrible mistake. Vow to take it out on electorate.