Man realises all the women in his life would have been condemned as witches 500 years ago

A MAN has realised the women in his life would once have been considered witches due to their belief in herbs, the power of cats and having a ‘sixth sense’ about things.

Martin Bishop came to the conclusion after his friend, Emma, recommended he try a new herbal tea that she had ‘concocted’ from other herbal teas.

He said, “After that I got a phone call from my mum saying one of her six cats had gone missing last night.

“It was the black one which always hisses at my cousin who is really into Nu Metal.

“Then I called my sister to tell her about it and she said that she’d had a ‘very strong feeling’ that I was going to call her today.”

He added: “I mentioned to my colleague, Anne, that I had a bad back and she sent me a load of links about chiropractors. She may as well have a steaming cauldron next to her desk.

“Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t change them for the world, but they would all have been for the ducking stool in the early 17th Century.”

Bishop’s friend, Emma Bradford, said: “I was going to invite him to my regular Tuesday night Satanic orgy. The leisure centre advertises it as ‘hot yoga’.”

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Doomsayer ruining Brexit by thinking about it

A SELFISH bastard is putting Britain’s excellent Brexit plan at risk by thinking about the consequences.

Despite Theresa May criticising ‘doomsayers’, office worker Tom Logan has been recklessly having reservations about Brexit and discussing them with his girlfriend.

Logan said: “I’m not trying to mess up Brexit, I was just wondering how we’ll overcome some of the incredibly obvious problems like… well, how long have you got?

“It’s weird that a nobody like me can affect negotiations, but I’ll stop questioning things if it’s for the best. I wouldn’t want to be some fuckwit who caused a massive economic disaster.”

Government minister David Davis said: “Brexit is an absolutely brilliant, 100% rock-solid idea, but unfortunately also extremely vulnerable to any form of criticism.

“Thinking or saying negative things about Brexit creates bad psychic energy which harms negotiations at a quantum level. That’s not some smarmy bullshit excuse, that’s science.

“When idiots like Logan start whining about minor issues like damaging 44% of our exports it just helps the EU. There’s a word for people like him – Braitors. That’s definitely a word.”