Man spends f**king ages opening bottle of f**king handwash

A MAN spent pretty much his entire fucking evening trying to open a new bottle of hand wash.

Tom Logan, from Swindon, said that when he bought the tub of tea tree oil scented hand wash he thought it would simply be a case of turning it round once to make it pop open.

Logan added: “Was it fuck.

“This thing is Fort Knox, if Fort Knox was a £1 tub of hand wash. Which it may as fucking well be.”

Logan added that he first attempted to open the hand wash when he got in from work at 5.15pm but decided to quit an hour later when he realised The Simpsons was on Channel 4.

He added; “I thought I’d give it half an hour and then try again. Still couldn’t figure the motherfucker out, despite turning it round and round and round, so I gave up when I realised the 10 o’clock news was on.

“After that I cleared my mind, took a deep breath and then still couldn’t figure out how to get the fucking mechanism inside the squirty thing at the front to dispense the fucking hand wash.

“I’ve Googled it now so when I get home from work tonight I know I just have to keep turning the thing until it pops open.

“It’s really well designed, isn’t it?”

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Couple build eco-home powered by their shit-eating grins

A COUPLE are showing off their self-build eco-home, which is powered exclusively by their smug expressions.

Nikki Hollis and Joseph Turner beat the rat race simply by spending a £100,000 gift from Hollis’ parents on a glorified shed instead of on a deposit on a house.

The eco-home somehow includes a bucket for a toilet and also two expensive MacBooks, and is powered entirely by the self-satisfied smiles fixed permanently to the front of its owners’ heads.

Hollis said: “People said we couldn’t turn our smugness into energy, but they didn’t know just how unbearably self-righteous we can be. Just ask me about our composting project and I’ll kick out enough to power a TV for three hours.”

For their next project, Hollis and Turner plan on spending a year on the road, in a van fuelled by talking about yourself.