Mate in the group chat who never says anything died in 2019

A WHATSAPP group is the mourning the loss of one of its members after it was discovered his silence was not due to him ‘being shit at the bantz’, but because he is dead.

Martin Bishop, who was often mocked for being silent in WhatsApp chat ‘The Lads’, was hit by a bus five years ago, an event only revealed to the rest of the group when his grieving family switched his phone on again after finding it in a drawer.

Group member Stephen Malley said: “He was always a quiet one. He’d put the occasional thumbs up on something, but that was it really, so when he went completely silent we didn’t even notice.

“It’s not like we ever arranged to meet up or anything, just sent memes and ripped the piss out of each other, same as all online chats of friendship groups which would have died a natural death before the age of texting.

“I hope his family didn’t scroll back too far when they turned his phone on. We’d spent a lot of time discussing whose wife we’d most like to bang. Martin’s was ranked bottom. Sorry Nikki.”

When asked if not noticing Martin’s death would lead to the WhatsApp group becoming a more mature place and a resource for emotional support, Malley replied ‘Shagging your mum is my emotional support’ and posted a gif of Borat.

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Age-gap relationships in films judged for their acceptability by a bloke

ANNE Hathaway’s new film centres on a 40-year-old woman romancing a younger man. Should we be supportive of such relationships, or are they doomed to fail? Tom Logan, 45, gives his verdict.

The Idea of You, 2024

I’ve not seen this, but I know Anne Hathaway is 40 and her toyboy is 25. That’s only a 15-year difference, and I can’t see any problem with me dating a 30-year-old. Apart from me being married, but you can’t make an omelette without breaking eggs. Also Anne looks like she could still easily fit into her Catwoman suit, so she’s going to be gorgeous until at least about 48. After that we – I mean ‘they’ – would have to split up, obviously.

Entrapment, 1999

Some might say the 39-year age gap between Sean Connery and Catherine Zeta-Jones is ‘creepy’ or ‘implausible’, but you’ve got to bear in mind that men just look distinguished with a dash of grey, or severe male pattern baldness in my case. Also, in real life Ms Zeta-Jones got married to Michael Douglas who’s older than her, so that definitely proves my point, somehow.

Good Luck to You, Leo Grande, 2022

I’ve got my reservations about this fictional relationship. Leo is 28 and Emma Thompson’s character Nancy is 62. That’s granny territory, and therefore wrong. I don’t feel I’m being sexist or ageist, because I definitely fancied her in Fortunes of War. It’s just that the idea of having sex with someone who wears fleecy boots and goes to bingo on a mobility scooter makes me feel extremely ill, frankly.

Mission: Impossible – Dead Reckoning Part One, 2023

Much was made of the 20-year age difference between Hayley Atwell and Tom Cruise, but you have to bear in mind that men age better than women, so if Hayley was shagging Tom all that would happen is that she’d ‘catch up’ eventually. I feel the same would be true of me and the attractive student in Sainsbury’s who I try to impress with pathetic gambits like: ‘Funny, isn’t it, how Cheshire cheese comes from Cheshire but cheddar cheese doesn’t come from Cheddarshire!’

American Pie, 1999

Jennifer Coolidge, or ‘Stifler’s mom’ as she is better known, was 38, while Finch who she sleeps with is about 18. I’m going to rule this relationship unacceptable because I think sleeping with one of your children’s friends could lead to an awkward situation between all of you. Obviously that wouldn’t apply if Stifler’s mom had, say, fancied the work experience girl at her office, because then they’d be professional colleagues.

The Graduate, 1967

Benjamin Braddock is 21 and Mrs Robinson is… in her 40s? No one seems to know, and it’s all a bit confusing because Anne Bancroft was only 36, and I’d definitely have had sex with her at any age from my teens to my eventual death in the future. So I’d say this age-gap relationship is definitely okay. Also, as Anne got older she could knock a few years off by washing the grey bit out of her hair, although I’ve got no problem with her looking like a sexy skunk.

Bram Stoker’s Dracula, 1992

I can see why this might be problematic. Dracula is about 460 years old, and Mina Harker is presumably the same age as Winona Ryder, so 21. There’s undeniably a big age difference, and he doesn’t so much ask her out as bite her neck, but I don’t think you can really criticise Count Dracula here. He’s got a wealth of life experience and younger women find that attractive, like when I tell my teenage daughter’s friend Cassie about Britpop.