Maths is no place for a woman, claim Pi and the square root of two

WORKING with complex numbers is tough, dirty and should only be done by men, according to some of the universe’s leading mathematical constants.

Playing with fire

As Professor Maryam Mirzakhani became the first woman to win the coveted Fields Medal for mathematics, constants including Pi, e and the square root of two said ‘lady maths’ could undermine discipline, reverse linear time and turn circles into oblongs.

Pi, also known as ?, said: “I’m very heavy. If a woman tries to lift me she could drop me and then all the circles will have no idea what area they cover and will immediately collapse in on themselves.

“How are you going to get to work without circles?”

e, the exponential growth constant, added: “Women get very emotional when confronted with the concept of exponential growth. Whereas a man would have none of it, a woman will panic and before you know it absolutely everything in the universe is far too big.”

And the square root of two said: “I was invented by Pythagoras, not Mrs Pythagoras. She brought him lots of soup while he was inventing me and for that she deserves a huge amount of credit.

“But Pythagoras always made sure he never left me alone with her in case she tried to ‘improve’ me.

“And thank goodness otherwise he would never have discovered two, and without two you’re a bit fucked.”

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Police to be trained in not f*cking things up

THE police are to receive training in how to get on with solving crimes rather than just f*cking things up.

Catch criminals, arrange punishment

The radical new approach to policing will involve catching criminals instead of having sex with activists, taking bribes from newspapers or shooting the wrong person.

PC Tom Booker said: “After attending workshops about the benefits of nicking criminals I chased a thief and caught him, then managed not to lose the paperwork before the trial.

“Also I interviewed a female crime victim without borrowing money off her, threatening to beat up her boyfriend or hiding in the bushes outside her flat.

“Later on I saw an Asian man driving a top-of-the-range BMW, but instead of stopping him I assumed the car belonged to him and he may simply have had a good job.

“This is community policing at its very best.”

The Home Office said the new approach to police work was already having a positive effect on crime statistics, mainly due to the police committing less crime.

Office worker Denys Finch-Hatton said: “Last week I reported a break-in and the police came round straight away, rather than sending a bored PCSO with a leaflet three days later. It was like being in Miami Vice or something.

“Also they didn’t act all hard or make me feel like I was the one who’d committed the crime. I hope they were real policemen.”