Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
The longest journey starts with a single step. And the shortest one. All the other ones, too. Not sure where I’m going with this.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Today, you rub some cavity-reducing toothpaste on a book of TS Eliot poems and now there’s a cat in it called Ma.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
On Friday you end up pulling a Buzzfeed headline writer. What happens next will blow your mind. And require a course of antibiotics.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You local book shop has a special offer on The Life Of Pi – 22 for the price of 7.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This weekend, your promise at the start of the year to pledge £1 to charity every time Russell Brand uses the word ‘narrative’ in a think piece sees you having to sell your car.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your current health fad of drinking coconut water doesn’t really count if it’s Malibu, no.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
At your last visit to the swimming pool you managed thirty lengths, which left you too exhausted to go for a swim.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
I believe in miracles since you came along, you sexy thing. I prefer to be called ‘Jesus’, actually.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Your boss is very understanding and supportive and on Monday will suggest you recalibrate your work/life balance to somewhere in the region of 0%/100%
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
It’s time to stop lying to yourself. Especially when lying to other people is so much more profitable.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Gemini is the sun sign of duality light and shade, optimism and pessimism and in your case, vodka and coke.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
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