Motorists allowed to watch TV while self-driving cars fight crime

UNDER the new Highway Code, motorists will be allowed to watch TV while self-driving cars fight crime, it has emerged.

According to proposed updates to the Highway Code, drivers will be free to watch built-in TVs while their self-driving cars bust arms dealers smuggling nuclear weapons and defend ranchers from wealthy landowners.

Motorist Tom Booker said: “Usually I have to keep my eyes on the road when I’m infiltrating a gang of gunrunners or springing wrongly imprisoned convicts from jail, so I can’t wait for this to come into force.

“Under the new rules I’ll finally be able to catch up on series two of Bridgerton while my car tracks down a doomsday device. I just hope I’ll be able to pick up Apple TV so I can watch Severance. I hear it’s really good.

“And by plugging in my headphones I’ll be able to drown out my car’s annoying backchat as we swerve around our weekly set-piece chases. It’s nowhere near as witty as it thinks it is.”

Speeding through the doors of a top secret military bunker, he added: “It doesn’t make sense that using mobile phones while driving is still illegal though, but I’ll get over it.”

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Dogging on foot: The pervert's guide to cutting your energy bills

LOOKING to save money on your gas and electricity bills while still getting your rocks off? Penny-pinching pervert Nathan Muir gives his advice. 

Go dogging on foot

There’s no greater thrill than parking up in a lay-by in Woking to watch an overweight butcher make love to his wife in a Nissan Qashqai. But do it every night and your petrol costs will spiral. Instead, go by foot – just remember to bring food and warm clothes for the four-hour round trip.

Try energy-conscious role-play

Bringing role-play into the bedroom can be a thrilling experience. Why not adopt the persona of a highly-sexed but deeply energy-conscious person who gets off on turning off all the lights in their house and any appliances on standby? After 20 minutes of erotic build-up – including turning the thermostat right down – you’ll be ready for some hot, but economical, loving.

Stick with local swingers

You may have grown tired of your local swinging scene and looked farther afield to new exotic new places like Birmingham. But it’s costing you a fortune in diesel, so just keep doing it with Kevin and Trisha across the road, even if the sex is underwhelming and their flatulent old cocker spaniel keeps trying to mount you.

Keep warm with BDSM

No need to change your bondage habits massively – just use furry handcuffs for a bit of extra warmth and focus on spanking to increase blood supply and stop your buttocks getting chilly.

Have cold shower sex

Not really a perversion, but do know how much energy it takes to run a power shower for even a minute? Any bonking in the shower should be done with cold water. Yes, it’ll be difficult to remain aroused while being blasted with freezing water but if you manage it you’ll be a real stud.

Downscale the mile-high club

Pricier fuel will make airfares more expensive, so if you loved shagging in the confined shitter of a Ryanair flight, instead recreate the experience in a Portaloo on a local building site. If the builders seem broadminded, ask them to rock the cubicle to simulate turbulence.