Parliament to vote on whether the carping scum electorate should get the f**k over it

MPs will get a vote on Thursday to decide whether Boris Johnson did a bad thing or the UK public are being whiny little snowflakes about a cake and should get over it.

After the prime minister apologised unconvincingly over ‘partygate’, MPs will decide whether he should be investigated for misleading parliament or be let off because he’s above the law and the rest of you scum should know your place.

Tory minister James Bates said: “We’re aware that the general public have made their minds up that Boris is a lying sack of shit, but it’s important that we get a vote on it so they know their version of reality is completely wrong.

“Of course, we have an 80-seat majority which means he won’t be investigated and we can get on with the very important work of crushing the economy, forcing people into poverty and generally being useless, awful bastards.

“Neither I nor any of my spineless colleagues will do anything to harm our careers. I’d support Boris if he claimed droit de seigneur over my wife, daughter and golden retriever if he wasn’t 100 per cent definitely guaranteed for the chop.

“So as a country, we’ll be able put it all behind us. Which is to say, we’ll pretend it never happened, and you proles can seethe quietly about it while you spend all your benefits on scratch cards, or whatever it is you enjoy doing.”

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The gym and four other f**king irritating places to take selfies

SELFIES are inherently annoying, but they can be even worse if you’re careful to use these locations: 

The gym

Running on a treadmill and repeatedly lifting heavy things is how you get fit. Taking a photo of yourself, shirt hoiked aloft to reveal your washboard abs, burns no calories and builds no muscle. The only thing it’s working out is your ego which everyone can already see is in Olympic f**king form.

With your meal

Selfies are annoying. Photos of meals are annoying. Put the two together and you’ve created an image with background figures locked forever in sneers of disapproval. It would almost be more forgivable if you committed to recording the entirety of your vapid life by taking a selfie with your steak dinner when it comes out the other end.

At historically sensitive locations

Sites of historic importance like war memorials are an opportunity for sober reflection. They are not places where you should turn a camera on yourself, make a peace sign, and stick your tongue out of the side of your mouth. Even hashtagging your selfie #RIPthanx4yrsacrifice won’t make it palatable.

In front of landmarks

The New York skyline is a remarkable sight. Your face is puffy, sweaty, and there are massive bags under your eyes. The two do not belong together in the same photograph, so get out of the way and take a picture of something worth looking at. It’ll get more likes which is the whole point.

Next to your partner

Everyone knows you’ve found love because it’s all you talk about. Nobody’s asked for photographic evidence but you’re intent on providing it anyway. Judging by the look on your beloved’s face they’re tiring of being papped more than Britney’s night out with Paris Hilton, and your selfie habit will lead to you being #dumped.