MPs will get a vote on Thursday to decide whether Boris Johnson did a bad thing or the UK public are being whiny little snowflakes about a cake and should get over it.
After the prime minister apologised unconvincingly over ‘partygate’, MPs will decide whether he should be investigated for misleading parliament or be let off because he’s above the law and the rest of you scum should know your place.
Tory minister James Bates said: “We’re aware that the general public have made their minds up that Boris is a lying sack of shit, but it’s important that we get a vote on it so they know their version of reality is completely wrong.
“Of course, we have an 80-seat majority which means he won’t be investigated and we can get on with the very important work of crushing the economy, forcing people into poverty and generally being useless, awful bastards.
“Neither I nor any of my spineless colleagues will do anything to harm our careers. I’d support Boris if he claimed droit de seigneur over my wife, daughter and golden retriever if he wasn’t 100 per cent definitely guaranteed for the chop.
“So as a country, we’ll be able put it all behind us. Which is to say, we’ll pretend it never happened, and you proles can seethe quietly about it while you spend all your benefits on scratch cards, or whatever it is you enjoy doing.”