NOBODY has ever been like today’s teenagers, the first generation to be young who will stay cool and happening forvever. Here are their incredible discoveries:
Serious thin boys with angry haircuts wielding guitars? Only a 14-year-old called Edwin could have discovered bands like the Killers, the Libertines, and the Smiths, and now he spreads their gospel at ‘indie clubs’. It is unlike any previous music because it is bought and played on vinyl.
Unlike all previous young people who were Tories, the new youth are politically engaged and singularly left-wing. They’ve Googled Karl Marx, done a TikTok about him and are incredible at spotting hitherto unnoticed flaws in capitalism. They are ready to lead the revolution.
The diets of the past were unscientific nonsense passed from town to town by travelling bards. New diets where you only eat fruit sugars, and fish that harmonise molecularly with the fruit, fix everything. Magazines have never recycled random buzzwords like Atkins, juice cleanses, keto, paleo, or 5:2.
Struggling with relationships
You just don’t get it, because you didn’t have apps back in your time. You never had to deal with having somebody never get in touch again after a date you thought went well. This only started when they invented Tinder in 2012. It was easy when mum and dad met.
You may have personally lived through the 1990s, but that in no way means you get 90s fashion. You need to be told in harsh terms, by a person who wasn’t as much as an embryo when the millennium hit, how exactly to model cycle shorts like Princess Di.
Fancying Keanu Reeves
He is not a weird crush, he’s an incredibly good-looking, talented and charismatic Hollywood superstar. We’ve all loved him since the 80s. Get in line.