If you won't accept my apology for shagging your best friend and emptying the joint account that's on you, man explains

A HUSBAND has told his wife that once he has offered a full-throated apology for shagging her best mate and spending their savings, he has done all he can. 

Steve Malley informed wife Connie he deserves credit for coming clean after the bank statements, CCTV footage and phone nudes were discovered, and said that after today’s apology he considers his responsibility to be over.

He said: “I’ll say I’m sorry and then we’ll move on. Anything else and you need to have a word with yourself.

“Yes, when I discovered six grand gone from the joint I was furious alongside you, demanding heads should roll, but that was before you found out it was me.

“And it’s true that I repeatedly denied having anything to do with Trudy, swearing on our children’s lives, but once you found that nine-minute explicit film on my burner phone I have been nothing but honest. And you can see for yourself the cake remained untouched throughout.

“I have paid the parking fine I got for leaving the car on double-yellows outside the Reading Malmaison. Paid it in full. That offers us the perfect opportunity to draw a line under this whole distracting affair.

“It would be irresponsible to break up this marriage now, while there’s a war on in Ukraine. Frankly I think less of you for considering it. Perhaps you’re the one needs to be saying sorry.”

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How I'd make being deported to Rwanda less fun, by a Tory voter

HAVE you bloody seen Rwanda? It’s like the all-inclusive they give as the prize on Good Morning Britain. Roy Hobbs explains how to make it a proper deterrent: 

Make them sail there

Air travel’s for those who can afford EasyJet. If dinghies were good enough to get to Britain, they’re good enough to sail to Africa. Pirates, sharks and international shipping lanes are a risk they’ll have to take. Who care if Rwanda’s landlocked. Never heard of rivers?

No luxury accommodation

These refugee hotels are nicer than the B&B we stayed in in Prestatyn last year. Make them less appealing by putting stains on the mattresses and building a brick wall three feet from the windows so there’s no view. For breakfast you’d only get the very cheap sausages. If you’re Muslim you’ll just have to fill up on toast.

Definitely no room service

I haven’t paid taxes for 40 years for all the toppings on a hand-delivered 12-inch stuffed crust Mongolian Hot. If they want a late-night snack there’s individually-wrapped shortbread biscuits by the tea and coffee making facilities.

Make the weather horrible

From what I can see it’s sunny 24-7 in Rwanda. That needs to stop. Controlling the weather is a challenge that’s eluded mankind for centuries but now there’s the motivation. I suggest a grey plastic dome with a sprinkler system simulating rain six days out of seven. If they don’t like rain, why were they coming to Britain in the first place?

No going on safari

I took the family to Knowsley Safari Park and it cost me bloody 70 quid, before ice creams. Refugees will just be able to stroll over to the nearest jungle and see lions and elephants and zebras for free. The most they should be allowed is a petting zoo with diseased rabbits.

Start the civil war again

Back in the 90s Rwanda had a civil war, a bad one. Priti Patel should ask the Rwandan government if they can get that going again. Maybe she already has.

Lights out at 8pm

Everyone should be in bed by 8pm and the TV should automatically shut off. I’m not into coming up with petty ways to make life miserable for immigrants, I’m just worried about the pressure on the NHS. Lights out and the windows open for fresh air like youth hostels. See if they still like Britain after that.