SCIENTISTS monitoring the airwaves for signs of intelligent life on planet Earth have finally given up, it has emerged.
Staff at NASA’s California monitoring station had spent the last three decades scanning this planet’s electronic media output for signs of anything not shit.
A NASA spokesman said: “As much as we all wanted it to be true, it sadly appears there is pretty much nothing but soil-brained idiocy emanating from Earth’s airwaves.
“After monitoring another series of The Only Way Is Essex, incalculable talent shows and a Channel 5 documentary about transgender ghost owls, we have abandoned hope.
“This planet is a vacuous nightmare of teenage vampires, celebrity sex tapes and energy drinks called things like Grunt.
“Instead we will focus our attention on Mars, where there are indications of single-celled organisms that are already more advanced than humanity.”
NASA’s Earth-monitoring facilities will now be dismantled, while the scientists involved plan to kill themselves.
Tom Logan, author of First Contact: The Search for Intelligent Life on Earth, said: “I do believe there is compelling evidence of intelligent human entities reaching out to us. It would be incredibly arrogant to assume otherwise.
“For example the other night I saw Mad Men followed by a serviceable documentary about sharks.
“However these broadcasts were followed by Danny’s Dyer’s Fucking Hard Fuckers II: Fucking Hard As Fuck. Which sort of cancelled them out.”