NASA abandons search for intelligent life on Earth

SCIENTISTS monitoring the airwaves for signs of intelligent life on planet Earth have finally given up, it has emerged.

Staff at NASA’s California monitoring station had spent the last three decades scanning this planet’s electronic media output for signs of anything not shit.

A NASA spokesman said: “As much as we all wanted it to be true, it sadly appears there is pretty much nothing but soil-brained idiocy emanating from Earth’s airwaves.

“After monitoring another series of The Only Way Is Essex, incalculable talent shows and a Channel 5 documentary about transgender ghost owls, we have abandoned hope.

“This planet is a vacuous nightmare of teenage vampires, celebrity sex tapes and energy drinks called things like Grunt.

“Instead we will focus our attention on Mars, where there are indications of single-celled organisms that are already more advanced than humanity.”

NASA’s Earth-monitoring facilities will now be dismantled, while the scientists involved plan to kill themselves.

Tom Logan, author of First Contact: The Search for Intelligent Life on Earth, said: “I do believe there is compelling evidence of intelligent human entities reaching out to us. It would be incredibly arrogant to assume otherwise.

“For example the other night I saw Mad Men followed by a serviceable documentary about sharks.

“However these broadcasts were followed by Danny’s Dyer’s Fucking Hard Fuckers II: Fucking Hard As Fuck. Which sort of cancelled them out.”



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Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,

The shit has really hit the fan at work and so a quick career change might be on the cards very soon. The only thing is, I’ve been doing the same job for years and so I’m not sure what I’d be good at. Anything that involves contradicting myself and/or making a complete arse of things might be a good place to start. Any suggestions?

Theresa May

Dear Theresa

Have you ever thought about being a primary school teacher? All you need is a stern pointy finger, breath that smells like a five-day-old corpse, and an obsession with sugar paper and red pens. You don’t even need any qualifications because none of the children question what you’re telling them and if they do you just call them insolent little squirts and put them on the naughty table. My teacher, Mrs Dodkins, is always making stuff up, like she did about that chap Isaac Newton who supposedly shot an apple off his son’s head. How, exactly, does this gravity stuff explain how Oliver French threw his bouncy ball up in the playground on Thursday and it never EVER came back down again? I know it happened because I saw it with my own eyes. Lying old Mrs Dodkins even tried to convince us that God doesn’t make new clean water for us to drink every day, but instead we get the old stuff that has been flushed down the toilet with turds and bits of dental floss in it that’s just floated off back into the sky somehow. Honestly, the woman must think we’re all so thick!

Hope that helps!