NASA probe smashes into first emerging sign of alien life

NASA’S Dart probe has crashed into and killed the first emerging specimen of alien life, it has been confirmed.

The direct hit on the Dimorphos asteroid, intended to change its course to test whether dangerous objects could be redirected, has detected then eradicated the first extraterrestrial life found in the universe.

A NASA spokesperson said: “What are the odds? But yes, there is life out there. Or was.

“The Dart’s onboard camera, when viewed in close-up and slow motion, shows an alien life form poking its head out of a crater before taking a $325 million space probe right in the kisser.

“There it is, that grainy, woodlouse-looking thing staring straight down the lens. Preliminary analysis shows that it is conscious, sentient and bricking it, which is fair enough because it’s about to die.

“If it wasn’t alone, hopefully the aliens won’t hold this unprovoked murder against us. Though it’s hard to see how they wouldn’t because from their perspective this was a guided missile launched directly at their mate.

“Let’s just on the positives: humanity is not alone in the universe. Though technically slightly more alone than previously. Sorry everyone.”

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Newspapers loyally back useless pair of financially illiterate shitheads

BRITAIN’S right-wing newspapers have rallied around to give their support to a pair of inept f**king cretins who know shit all about running an economy. 

From the Mail to the Sun, journalists are debasing themselves to pretend Britain’s new prime minister and chancellor have not catastrophically f**ked the country’s economy in less than a month, and half of that spent mourning.

Mail columnist Jo Kramer said: “The silly markets are just panicking because they know Liz and Kwasi have got the measure of them.

“A weak pound? More like a cowed pound. The new Iron Lady’s got it whipped, but it’ll soon come out roaring with the world at its feet. Are we done? I need to line up a new mortgage deal before I lose the house.”

Telegraph financial writer Julian Cook said: “This proper Conservative budget, the first ever visionary enough to combat inflation with a twin-pronged attack of tax cuts and epic borrowing, rewrites economics forever. Throw your textbooks away. Kwarteng writes the rules now.”

And Express leader writer Francesca Johnson agreed: “Disaster? Opportunity on a global scale, more like. I’m in awe. She should call an election tomorrow. She’d win.

“Christ, you write a column backing Cameron in 2010 and 12 years later this is where you end up. Backed into a corner lying for that pair of clueless pricks. We are so f**ked.”