NASA tells astronauts to just go ahead and eat each other

THE crew of the International Space Station has been told it will have to resort to cannibalism after a supply rocket blew up.

NASA admitted it was the only rocket it had left and that the astronauts had just 72 hours worth of food pouches.

A spokesman said: “Budget cuts. We cut the rocket budget and the food budget. And it was only mashed bananas in the first place.

“And we also cut the rescue budget. Anyway, if I was them I’d just get on with it. It’s going to be pretty messy up there for a few days.”

The spokesman added: “They are all trained professionals and dreadful show-offs so no-one’s going to go quietly – but the hand-to-hand combat will be brilliant.

“It’s a shame that guitar-playing hippy isn’t still up there. I suspect that would have made the whole process much simpler.”


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I’m making it up as I go along, says Pope

POPE Francis has admitted he is improvising, all the time.

“Yeah, let’s go with that.”

The Pope said his view on evolution and creation was ‘about five minutes old’ but that it ‘sounded pretty good in his head’.

His insisted his latest ad-hoc theory – that the Big Bang is real but it was an act of God – was ‘worth a punt’ because the science is ‘kind of theoretical anyway’.

He added: “My basic rule is ‘what can I get away with?’.

“The key thing that makes me different from my predecessors is that I don’t want to sound like a total freak.

“I sometimes imagine I’m talking to Stephen Fry. I know he won’t necessarily agree with me, but as long as he doesn’t actively scoff, then I just go ahead and say it.”

Pope Francis revealed that most mornings he will have a coffee, read the papers and then start forming ‘some nice, fresh opinions’.

“I’m probably going to say something quite soon about vegetarianism and whether or not animals have souls.

“I wouldn’t take it too seriously. I’m just an old Argentinian guy in a funny little hat.”