Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
After being cast as the hero in your first comic book film, you tell interviewers that of course you’re not a fan of the comics because you are an adult who has had sex.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You don’t want to sound like a hipster but you were into thinking Russell Brand was a dildo way before it was popular.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
After using Spotify on an iPhone via the 3 Network on a Southern Rail train, you reach the event horizon of absolute uselessness.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
No word from the Secret Escapes website yet on how they can get your sister out of her seven-stretch in Holloway.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Convince people you’re a high-powered businessman by shouting large numbers and threats on your mobile phone while on public transport.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Oh, right, when Robbie Williams sings his hits in the delivery room it’s ‘charming’ but when you do it you’re ‘not even an expectant father and we’re calling security’.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Commotion at the tapas restaurant on Saturday when you realise it’s actually a French restaurant and the table next to you demand the remains of their steak back.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
People say beige is such a boring colour but it certainly makes your day more interesting when your pee comes out that colour.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
While the imperative of art is toward a revealed truth, the execution of art is a concealment of that truth to express that truth through beauty. Oh, sorry, money worries this week. Yeah. Sorry.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? One in Blackpool in the midst of a hen party, perhaps?
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Get that celeb vibe for your Halloween party by inviting 300 people you don’t know, not letting any of them in and sitting on your couch looking completely miserable all night.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Eye of newt and toe of frog, wool of bat and tongue of dog. Also contains monosodium glutamate and processed in a facility that may have contained peanuts.