Neanderthal baby would still be complimented on its looks


GENETICISTS working on a Neanderthal baby have assured potential surrogates that their friends will pretend it isn’t weird-looking.

Dr Helen Archer said: “Everyone would still act like it was cute, even if it came out covered in hair and with a visible caveman six-pack.

“You basically have to say nice things about how babies look, even if they’ve got lopsided ears or serial killer eyes. To do otherwise is social cyanide.

“The biggest challenges of having a Neanderthal kid would be their tendency to spear classmates – and really bad nits.”



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Advanced motorists 'have to reverse park with snakes in the car'

BECOMING an ‘advanced motorist’ requires keeping a cool head in a car full of venomous reptiles, it has emerged.

Representatives of the mysterious, Jedi-like Institute of Advanced Motorists have become TV fixtures during the snowy weather.

But former members describe the supposedly safety-focused group as being like a weirdly perfectionist warrior tribe.

Advanced motoring initiate Tom Booker said: “Two-thirds of candidates perish during the selection process.

“They lower you into a tank containing mako sharks and a Mondeo, then you have 90 seconds to change a tyre.”