Van Persie keeps crippled version of self in attic

ROBIN van Persie has confirmed he has a withered, permanently-injured version of himself in his attic.

Manchester United’s self-assembly striker has gone 24 games without injury, beating his previous record by 23, thanks to a voodoo ritual that accompanied his £22.5m transfer.

The homunculus currently limping around the eaves of van Persies house appeared in a pentagram in the centre circle of Old Trafford, which hosts frequent cabalistic ceremonies to ensure the continued allegiance of Clive Tyldesley

Van Persie said: “Every time I jump up and down, I hear a little whimper from the loft as another one of his toes snaps like a Ryvita. Hes got a pulled hamstring, broken ankle and collapsed spleen after I helped a friend move house.

“The day I leave United hell disappear in a pop of green smoke and every injury will transfer back to me at which point I will announce my retirement from inside an iron lung.”

The use of satanic doubles in football has grown in popularity, with Gareth Bale owning one that is shaped like a Weeble while John Terry’s loft contains a sensitive, humble man with a passion for multiculturalism.

While at Arsenal physios urged Arsene Wenger to summon a van Persie homunculus but the manager refused to pay £50 for a fresh goat.

Van Persie also confirmed that Sir Alex Ferguson visits the attic twice a week to call the creature a ‘ponce’.

Consider subscribing - so we can write more funny content. .js-article{ display:none;}

'Eat a whole multipack of crisps' tops recession bucket lists

RECESSION-HIT Britons have revised their lists of ‘things to do before I die’ to make them more realistic.

Old ambitions including skydiving and seeing the pyramids have been replaced by budget-conscious goals like find something worth watching on ITV2 or ‘borrow a dog’.

Builder Roy Hobbs said: I always wanted to ride Space Mountain in Disneyland. Now my dream is to sit in a shopping trolley while my brother pushes it round a car park.

Newsagent Francesca Johnson has also downsized her dreams: I loved the idea of swimming with dolphins, but I’m massively in debt. So last week I lay in the bath while my husband threw fish fingers at me.”

Lifestyle guru Julian Cook advises people on how to harness the power of their dreams: Don’t be too ambitious. For example I wanted a proper job, but Im quite happy doing this load of old shit.

Instead of seeing the Northern Lights, why not try to get a seat on the Northern Line?

“Or instead of writing a book, see if you can balance one on your head.

Before the economic downturn, British males fantasized about sleeping with a movie star. They now hope to marry Katie Price, an ambition most British men are set to fulfil by 2030.

Next story ›