ROBIN van Persie has confirmed he has a withered, permanently-injured version of himself in his attic.
Manchester United’s self-assembly striker has gone 24 games without injury, beating his previous record by 23, thanks to a voodoo ritual that accompanied his £22.5m transfer.
The homunculus currently limping around the eaves of van Persies house appeared in a pentagram in the centre circle of Old Trafford, which hosts frequent cabalistic ceremonies to ensure the continued allegiance of Clive Tyldesley
Van Persie said: “Every time I jump up and down, I hear a little whimper from the loft as another one of his toes snaps like a Ryvita. Hes got a pulled hamstring, broken ankle and collapsed spleen after I helped a friend move house.
“The day I leave United hell disappear in a pop of green smoke and every injury will transfer back to me at which point I will announce my retirement from inside an iron lung.”
The use of satanic doubles in football has grown in popularity, with Gareth Bale owning one that is shaped like a Weeble while John Terry’s loft contains a sensitive, humble man with a passion for multiculturalism.
While at Arsenal physios urged Arsene Wenger to summon a van Persie homunculus but the manager refused to pay £50 for a fresh goat.
Van Persie also confirmed that Sir Alex Ferguson visits the attic twice a week to call the creature a ‘ponce’.