COFFEE has officially replaced cigarettes as Britain’s addictive drug of choice, it has emerged.
As it emerged that Britons spend around £6.3bn per year on the portable amphetamine-like hot drink, experts claim coffee is now doing exactly what fags used to do.
Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Ever noticed you’re always ‘gasping’ for coffee, although it’s a blatant rip-off and you suspect it’s ruining your health in ways you don’t fully understand?
“Also observe how it’s marketed to make you feel like a ‘connoisseur’ who cares about ‘blends’ and isn’t just a twitching junkie. Remind you of anything?
“We all gave ourselves a massive pat on the back for quitting fags but really we just exchanged them for…liquid fag equivalent.
“In another fifty years time, when it’s been medically proven that coffee makes your brain explode, only dinner ladies and alcoholics will drink coffee, standing out in the rain like lepers.”
Coffee addict Tom Logan said: “I’ve got my own coffee machine at home, which is the modern equivalent of smoking roll-ups.
“Yet I’m worried that coffee makes me sweat like a Mastermind contestant. Maybe I should stop. Can you buy caffeine patches yet?”