Coffee is the new fags

COFFEE has officially replaced cigarettes as Britain’s addictive drug of choice, it has emerged.

As it emerged that Britons spend around £6.3bn per year on the portable amphetamine-like hot drink, experts claim coffee is now doing exactly what fags used to do.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Ever noticed you’re always ‘gasping’ for coffee, although it’s a blatant rip-off and you suspect it’s ruining your health in ways you don’t fully understand?

“Also observe how it’s marketed to make you feel like a ‘connoisseur’ who cares about ‘blends’ and isn’t just a twitching junkie. Remind you of anything?

“We all gave ourselves a massive pat on the back for quitting fags but really we just exchanged them for…liquid fag equivalent.

“In another fifty years time, when it’s been medically proven that coffee makes your brain explode, only dinner ladies and alcoholics will drink coffee, standing out in the rain like lepers.”

Coffee addict Tom Logan said: “I’ve got my own coffee machine at home, which is the modern equivalent of smoking roll-ups.

“Yet I’m worried that coffee makes me sweat like a Mastermind contestant. Maybe I should stop. Can you buy caffeine patches yet?”



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Unphotographed kitten found in Carlisle

RESIDENTS in Carlisle have a kitten that has not been pictured online, it has been claimed.

The eight week-old feline of unknown cuteness is being kept at a secret indoor location in case it is snapped looking quizzically into a fish pond or frolicking in snow.

It had been assumed that Britain’s last offline kitten, Tigger, was born in 2003.

Carlisle taxi driver Wayne Hayes said: “They’re calling it ‘The Omega Kitten’. Some local lads say they’ve got a blurry photo of it hiding inside a paper bag.

“My neighbour reckons it’s his kitten but he’s tweeted artistic photos of every meal he’s had since 2008 so I don’t believe him.”

Experts believe the Carlisle kitten’s DNA may hold the key to everybody getting on with their lives without internet neediness.

Catologist Roy Hobbs said: “I really need to see this animal. Even just a bit of tail.

“What’s up with it, why is it being so…weird?”