Nerd wrongly assumed to know about computers

A SELF-STYLED ’nerd’ is unable to fix computers, it has been confirmed.

27-year-old science fiction fan and fantasy wargamer Wayne Hayes has told his friends to stop asking him what is wrong with their laptops.

He said: “I like Star Trek, Stargate SG-1 and own a £175 scale model of the ‘marine carrier’ from Aliens. I always wear the same Millets fleece and avoid large social gatherings unless it’s a convention. That doesn’t mean I can fix your fucking computer.”

Hayes receives around six requests per week to repair computers, despite working as assistant manager in a garden centre and having no IT qualifications.

Hayes’s cousin Tom Booker said: “Of course he knows about computers, just look at him. I don’t know why he’s being so uncooperative.

“He reads these really thick books with spaceships on them so he must be able to make my iTunes work.”

However Wayne Hayes said: “I’m into technology that isn’t real, like warp drives and teleporters, because it is exciting whereas my boss’s sister’s husband’s Lexmark printer that ‘won’t do the thing’ is not.

“Some nerds know less about computers than thick-necked lager drinkers.”