Net Scammers Let Down By Rubbish Grammar Says DTI

INTERNET fraudsters are missing out on huge riches because their email language skills are “so shit” they can only con the most gullible of punters, according to a damning Government report. 

Too many net scams are failing at the outset because the fraudulent “phishing” emails are so badly spelled and constructed that only the really greedy or illiterate will ever be taken in.

Worse offenders are former members of the Nigerian government and crime gangs from Eastern Europe, whose English is particular appalling, the report for the Department of Industry says.

A spokesman for the DTI said: “I have lost count of the number of times I have been about to send all my bank details over the internet to a complete stranger only to be brought to my senses at the last second by a rogue semi-colon or a mis-spelling of the word ‘discreet’. It's just not good enough.”

Neil Harris, of the British Association of Internet Bank Fraudsters, welcomed the report saying it was “overdue by long and a chalk”.

He said: “If there one thing, is we told us membies time every time, it are that they must make proper use English in web page false one or email scam. Otherwise no fool; damn or other, is going to get take in! are them?”

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Huge Rise In Skin Caused By Bad Lifestyle Choices

THE incidence of skin in Britain has soared dramatically in recent years and our hedonistic modern lifestyles are largely to blame, doctors insisted last night.

Only ten years ago the amount of skin in Britain was quite small, with just enough available to tightly cover the skeletons and internal organs of most of the population.

However, a combination of constant drunkenness, fatty food, and cheap foreign travel has created an enormous increase in skin, much of which is filled with fat and bursting out from people’s clothing, the doctors added.

Dr Bill McKay, an expert on skin at Dundee University, said he now regularly encountered people with so much skin that it had to be carried into his consulting room in wheelbarrows.

He said: “We all need some skin otherwise our organs would fall out and drag along the floor, our eyeballs would dangle down in front of our faces, and people would faint when they met us. But there really is no need to have as much as that.”

Dr McKay said excess skin was chiefly caused by bad lifestyle choices by people who were either too poor or stupid to know how to look after themselves. He said such people should be tortured, or at the very least forced to eat and live healthily by law.

He said: “Most of this skin is caused by people going on cheap package holidays where they lie around in the sun all day eating and drinking instead of following their doctor's advice to rent a castle in Umbria for a month and spend the time touring Romanesque churches and wearing a hat.

“Everyone out there knows what they need to maintain a healthy lifestyle: a salary of over £100,000 a year for working a few mornings a week, at least four hours of golf every day, and a couple of really exclusive resort holidays a year. Why can’t they just do it?”