New app gets you back together with your ex

A NEW phone app restores failed relationships, its makers have claimed.

Takes the stress out of being temporarily insane

The software triggers when a user is about to send a pathetic drunken text to an ex-partner and instead sets about winning them back by more effective methods, including breaking up any new relationship they have formed.

Programmer Stephen Malley said: “The Manipul-8 app launches automatically when it detects overwrought misspelled texts such as ‘Lief not worth livig without u!!!’

“It sends a witty, interesting and thought-provoking replacement message that is better than anything you could have come up with, causing your ex to wonder if they were right to split up with such an outstanding person.

“Clever messages are then sent at four-day intervals to prevent any stalkerish overtones.

“The app then hacks your ex’s browser to ascertain their interests, and arranges thoughtful gifts with touching but manipulative messages such as ‘Let’s just remember all the good times we had together x’.”

Malley said the app detected whether an ex had a new partner, then planted seeds of doubt about the relationship by sending messages such as “Is Carl really your type?”

He added: “If the app fails to detect a dumping, it gradually increases the level of character assassination, for example moving from ‘a bit dull’ to ‘complete tosser’ and eventually ‘pervert’.”