New planet keen to deter humans

A NEWLY-DISCOVERED Earth-like planet has said it is probably not the kind of place humans would be into living on.

Kepler 438b said: “To the casual observer it might seem like conditions on my surface are perfect for human life, but I can’t see you people liking it here.

“There’s no giant robot film franchises, shopping centres or pornography here. I think that if you were to get into your spaceships and come here in you would find it too provincial for your tastes.

“Best to stay put really. I’m sure you’ve got some species you haven’t managed to wipe out yet, that should keep you occupied for a bit.

“Feel free to give me a shout in a trillion years or so, after you’ve done some evolving.”

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Apricots vow never to ripen

A GROUP of apricots has pledged to remain hard and sour for all eternity.

Apricot Tom Logan, currently sharing a bowl with seven inedible comrades, said: “Humans think they will turn us sweet and juicy by sticking us next to a bunch of bananas or rolling us round in the palms of their sweaty hands for minutes on end while watching Broadchurch, but they are wasting their time.

“We will never surrender.

“Apricots are supposed to just sit on the sideboard looking pert and vaguely arse-like until people get sick of thinking of Kim Kardashian whenever they glance in our direction and chuck us in the bin.”

However fruit expert Mary Fisher said, “No matter how determined they are, no apricot can stay unripe for more than a couple of months.

“However, experience shows there is a very good chance they will go from being crunchy and bitter to fluffy and tasteless the second your back is turned.”