Samsung S5 wants a fight

THE new Samsung smartphone kicks off if you stare at it.

Designed to deter excessive phone-gazing, the S5 asks anyone looking at it whether they have ‘some sort of a problem’.

Tech blogger Tom Booker said: “This phone is a powder keg of hate. If you admire it for more than a few seconds it accuses you of being ‘a perv or something’ in a gravelly, hostile male voice.

“I am terrified of it, which is great because it’s given me my life back. I am looking at other humans again, albeit not for too long in case they also want to hit me.”

A Samsung spokesman said: “The accompanying Gear 2 watched functions as the S5’s smaller, antagonistic friend – the kind that starts trouble then hides behind its larger mate.”

The S5 said: “I’ll fucking have anyone.”

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Helpful scientists reveal perfect number of cigarettes

SCIENTISTS have helpfully revealed the number of risk-free cigarettes you can smoke every week.

Terrifying new research found that one cigarette per day triples the risk of heart disease and stroke, leaving ‘social smokers’ to do the simple calculation that 2.3 per week should be fine.

Social smoker, Martin Bishop, said: “According to my calculations that’s 120 a year. If I ever actually bought any cigarettes that would be six packets. I’ve no idea how much that would cost because, like I say, I never, ever buy them.

“Anyway, what I’ll probably do is have 4.6 every other Friday. As long as I’m socialising with an actual smoker.

“Science is brilliant.”