New survey confirms existence of sex

SEX, it has been confirmed.

A new nationwide survey has found that sex exists, and that people are having sex in sexual ways.

Sex analyst Dr Susan Traherne said: “Sex.”

The scientific research has prompted calls for more photographs of people pretending to have sex.

Sex fan Wayne Hayes said: “It’s good to know that sex is going on. I like sex. My partner and I do it, I’m like ‘uh uh’ and she’s going ‘yeah’.”

Hayes’s sex partner Mary Fisher said: “We have a box full of sex toys, just for sex. It’s called our ‘sex box’.

“We are uninhibited.”

Dr Traherne said: “Our study found that one of the most popular ways of initiating sex is for two people to take all their clothes off, including their pants, so that they are naked all over.”

She added: “Why not have sex today?”

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Trump’s tweets to become erudite discourses of political philosophy

THE NEW 280-character tweets will enable President Trump to discuss his political ideology and the economic ideas underpinning it at proper length. 

Trump admitted that he had been tailoring his messages to fit 140 characters and that in doing so, the considered nuances of his reflections had been lost.

He continued: “Twitter is a matchless mass communication medium, an imaginarium of the ether beyond theorist Marshall McLuhan’s late-stage capitalism conception, but you can’t express that in 140 characters.

“By the time I’ve typed Alexis de Tocqueville’s full name in, outlining his foundational influence on American democracy is impossible, so I have to tweet ‘@CNN is #FakeNews. Just reported COS (John Kelly) was opposed to my stance on NFL players disrespecting FLAG, ANTHEM, COUNTRY. Total lie!’ instead.

“Finally I’m liberated to impress on the people of this shining city on a hill the full breadth of my learning, delineating fully why Ludwig von Mises’s theories of praexology guide my stewardship of this sundered nation.”

Trump’s next tweet read: “Cheatin’ Kristen Stewart has made a BIG MISTAKE with new hair! Unattractive, ratings of movies tanking – DROP HER, Hollywood! Bad! #MAGA”