New taxi app for people who just want driver to shut it

A NEW app will help people find a taxi driver who keeps his mouth shut for the entire journey.

The app, called ‘JustDrive’, guarantees a taxi ride free of conversational opening gambits and ludicrous, unsolicited opinions.

JustDrive was developed by former London cabbie Tom Logan after he realised that more than 90 percent of his passengers wanted him to die.

He said: “I lost count of the number of times a passenger would hand over the money and say ‘Thanks, that was absolutely hellish – and, by the way, you’re an idiot’.

“All the drivers who sign up to JustDrive sign a pledge that they will not say a word. They’re not even allowed to say how much the fare is. They have to point at the meter.”

Jane Thompson, from North London, said: “I’ve tried everything from wearing a motorbike helmet to pretending to be Chinese.

“Now, when they ask where I’m from I’ll maybe say something like ‘Nope, fuck off’.

“There was one time I just started crying. But the driver ignored me and carried on talking about how Pakistanis don’t do recycling.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Brazil completely forgot about opening ceremony

THE World Cup opening ceremony has been thrown together at the last minute after Brazil admitted it forgot.

Brazil said that amid the chaos of making football pitches, it overlooked the part about staging a surreal, overblown ceremony costing millions that no-one will understand.

A spokesman for FIFA said: “I’ve got 6,000 dignitaries and a worldwide audience expecting a wild phantasmagoria of puppetry, dancers, local celebrities and hats with fruit on.

“Where are the symbolic ballets depicting the country’s colonisation by Portugal. Where is the giant, shaved groin? Where are the ten thousand local children dressed as coffee beans?

“How are we expected to make a TV event without a massive hot air balloon being repeatedly inflated and deflated as a tribute to Pelé’s world-famous struggle with erectile dysfunction?”

But organiser Tomas de Boas said: “It’s fine. We’re going to have all the national squads, carrying their flags, walking round the stadium and smiling.

“I’ve hired the samba band that played at my brother’s wedding. They were available at the last minute because they’re incredibly bad.

“And my wife’s done a quiche.”