Next iPhone to feature shatterproof glass, decent battery and haha of course it won’t

APPLE have announced that the next iPhone will feature multiple actual improvements, before clarifying that they are of course joking. 

CEO Tim Cook announced to an audience of industry figures that the iPhone 11 would have a screen able to withstand a drop onto concrete from 12ft, a battery lasting 72 hours and predictive text that recognises the word ‘f*ck’.

He said: “The headphone socket’s back, all the Apple apps play nicely with the non-Apple apps, and the camera takes pictures. Not 3D moving infrared pictures. Just pictures.”

As his audience looked on open-mouthed, Cook also announced a new MacBook with a working keyboard, USB ports, and a revolutionary anti-spillage system which means it can take a full bottle of wine and keep working flawlessly.

He continued: “Kidding! In fact we’ve not done any of that, but have packed in a whole range of expensive new features you won’t ever understand because you’re too stupid for our advanced technology.

“I can confirm the iPhone 11 will feature an aesthetically pleasing completely opaque screen, though those Luddites who insist on a visual display can buy a special £200 adapter.”