Nobody believes woman is time traveller from an hour ago

A WOMAN who has time-travelled by an hour is struggling to convince colleagues that she is from the past.

30-year-old Susan Traherne woke up yesterday to discover that although it should have been half past seven, she had mysteriously been transported to half eight.

Traherne, who works in a call centre, told colleagues: “My name is Susan and I am from the past. Some mysterious force has picked me up like a pawn and moved me an hour forward, into your time.

“I know it sounds incredible and I don’t know why this has happened. I can only guess that I have some special mission, some wrong to right, then I will be transported back to my own time, an hour ago, in a blinding flash of light.

“Maybe I have to solve a murder so if anyone knows of an unsolved murder, give me a shout.”

She added: “It may be hard for you to imagine what things were like back then, an hour ago. It was perhaps a more innocent time, but we had love, hopes and fears just as you people of the future do.”

However Susan’s line manager Roy Hobbs said: “Whatever miraculous forces may be at work, she’s still fucking late.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Dad wishes daughter happy birthday via LinkedIn

A FATHER who cannot tell the difference between LinkedIn and Facebook has sent his daughter a touching birthday message she will never read. 

58-year-old Tom Logan, considered a social media expert by his peers for being the first one on Friends Reunited, also endorsed a number of his daughter’s featured skills as a little birthday treat.

Daughter Joanne said: “A week after my birthday he asked why I hadn’t replied to his message, and I realised it had happened again.

“I explained last year that I don’t use LinkedIn, that nobody uses LinkedIn, and that the only reason I still have a profile on LinkedIn is that removing tattoos is easier, and he said it was a lovely message and I should read it.

“I can’t even remember my login details, and I had to abandon the email address LinkedIn’s registered with because of the constant invitations to digital leadership webinars.

“The elderly shouldn’t be allowed to use social media. I miss the days when they at least phoned you up and were fucking annoying in person, rather than through a computer.”